Gossip Girls...

“When the voice and vision on the inside are more clear, profound and loud than the opinions on the outside, you are mastering your life” Dr John De Martini

 

I have recently learned a very valuable life lesson... people will gossip!! I don’t by any means say this to be negative; I say this so we can free ourselves of disappointment if it happens and attempt to put a new spin on what gossip really could be about. As always I will say, this is purely a point of view and may not be true for everyone but it is an insight that I hope provides some relief from the gossip monster!  I have always taken pride in doing my best not to be a gossip girl but let’s face it... we all have done it and probably will do it again in our lives but I personally most certainly make it my intention to act from love at all times! I am however left to wonder what gossip really means and whether it is really a big deal? I know some women completely don’t care what others say about them, some pretend they don’t care and others take everything personally. I find I can be all of those types of women at certain times and my reaction simply is based upon varying factors. These factors include whether or not what I am being gossiped or berated about is important to me or not and what my personal expectation of a situation may have been. It can be a nice thought to think we could go about life and every single person we meet likes us but you and I both know that is not realistic. It is how we handle situations when we are gossiped about or disliked and are being gossips that I believe truly is the important point here! And it is a natural part of life that when there is no emotional charge on something, it tends to dissolve and is less likely to occur...stay with me on this one, you will see that it’s never as bad as it seems!!!

 

“Mirror mirror on the wall”

 

In life, judgements are made usually based on our values, belief systems and what we are conditioned to think is right or wrong and good or bad - often also based on society’s expectations. We are all looking at the world through internal filters of past memories, experiences and are constantly assimilating situations and ascribing meaning. We walk around labelling people and events either positively or negatively based on our own unique view of the world and this view is generally what determines our outcomes and results in life or lack thereof. The point here is it is a common belief (which I agree with) that the world will only be as we perceive it and it purely is a mirror reflecting back to us the things we like and don’t like about ourselves. That any feelings of inadequacy or thinking we are above or below others is simply a construct of the mind. That any time we look at someone and think they have something we don't have, can do something we think we can't do or be a certain way we think we can't be - this is truly only in the mind and blocks us from being that very thing! What if you were to consider for a moment that a resistance to people who do that which you deep down want, could be the very thing that is standing in your way of achieving it? What if the person you gossip about and you are choosing to feel envious, jealous, lacking of something or inadequate about is the very person who can inspire, teach and encourage you to be what you truly dream of being? I say this to encourage an element of responsibility for your behaviour, judgement and opinions when being gossiped about and especially in the case of being a gossip girl. Consider taking responsibility for the impact YOUR WORDS are actually having on YOU as well as others!! If the entire world is a mirror, what is it that you truly would like to be looking at and focusing on? There are an infinite number of possible opinions you could choose to focus on... rather than an all negative or all positive view, how about considering a balanced view. One that has you accept others as they uniquely are that grounds you in reality and allows you to live with pure love and inspiration.  What about one that doesn’t put people above you on unobtainable pedestals or below you in a pit of rejection or resistance.  Nobody is better or worse than another, we are all simply uniquely different living our own true values and aspirations!!  Who are we to say what is the right or wrong way to be? 

 

“Birds of a feather flock together and wolves hunt in packs”

 

This may be a little intense or confronting but also leading to a balanced and empowered place so hang in there as I am sure we can all relate at some point in our lives, possibly from both sides  – the gossiper and the gossipee! Let’s begin with this - It is a common basic concept of human behaviour that we hang out with those who support our values and often reject those who don’t support our values. In the context of what we are discussing, inspired people will often seek out other inspired people and grow and learn together. Negative gossipy people will often seek out other negative gossipy people who validate their opinion and feed the need to be right about someone. Unfortunately, often when women are threatened the claws come out and they get down and dirty about all the juicy goss on others regardless of consequences. This then causes a common dislike of someone or something to form an alliance resulting in chinese whispers, magnified opinions, deforming the character of others and becoming a mean and nasty pack of she wolves! This pack gets about recruiting followers while devouring and tearing to shreds anything and anyone who appears to be intimidating in any way, shape or form. Femininity is lost in unhealthy jealousy. Now, who is to say this behaviour is right or wrong? And who is to say that in the natural balance of life that pack mentality doesn’t serve a purpose – of course it does on many levels but at the end of the day, it is what we project to the world that creates our own personal character reference to others around us that can count! People also judge, avoid and gossip about those who are gossips!  If you are a habitual gossiper, it’s up to you to decide if you are comfortable with the turmoil, negative thoughts and energy in your own internal world or if you want to break free and become inspired and an inspiring leader. By no means is anyone ever absolutely perfect... welcome to being human. Life brings us challenges to learn and grow and there will be times we catch ourselves spiralling into normal drama or moments tarnishing our own character reference.  Do you want to be known as someone who drags others down or inspires and lifts others up?  The key is to surround yourself with people who hold you to a higher standard, who will confront you if you are being a bitch and understand that sometimes the bitch in us all must raise her ugly head so we can see what is truly going on inside of us! If you feel the natural human traits of jealousy, competitiveness or intimidation, harness those thoughts, feelings and emotions and turn them into something constructive – maybe going out and achieving that which you may happen to be jealous of?? Just a thought??

 

“Loose lips may attempt to sink ships.. but you are the Captain of your own vessel"

 

Often if we are gossiped about it can seem like the sky is falling, the entire world is closing in and like everybody hates us! That’s the inner victim that when not harnessed can lead to profound drama, turmoil and loads of wasted energy. We all do it I am sure, I know I catch myself falling into the abyss of self pity at moments in my life and I have no doubt we will do it again at times but I always aim to learn from it, haul myself out and remember this – if it is true that the world is a mirror and people are only projecting their own ‘stuff’ into it, does gossip really matter and does it really mean anything about us? Consider that someone gossiping about you may merely be their own character reference to the world and be saying more about their current level of self worth and self esteem than meets the eye. We have no idea what has occurred in their lives to date or what happened to them today that had them personalise something you said or did. Without asking them there is no real way of knowing what deep self esteem issues, insecurities or pain they may be experiencing based on something you resemble or are mirroring back to them. And let’s face it; someone may also simply be happy being a bitch! Have that in your world or don’t – your choice! You are in charge of your life, therefore your results.  Every moment or person that drags you down is your teacher showing you something about yourself.  Don't dwell on it, simply love it and choose if you want that person or people in your life or not - and act upon that decision. 

 

“Be different - True Tall Poppies help sprout, nourish and grow other Tall Poppies to stand tall with them”

 

Often gossip can also be a power struggle and a way of attempting to undermine people, ruin reputations and defame the character of people who are perceived as successful, standing out in the crowd or different. These people can otherwise be known as Tall Poppies. Society can often attempt to tear down these shining lights and blossoming examples of possibility for many reasons and often people live in fear of stepping up, going after their dreams or achieving above those around them because of it.  When you are different people will ask or even demand you change to make them feel better, only ever transform for yourself and what that does to inspire others.  I say be who you truly are and go out and shine your light as brightly as you know you want to while not letting anyone or anything stand in your way!! It is inevitable people will say things about us, but if I could impart one piece of valuable information it is this - regardless of how you feel, there is a lesson in everything that is showing you the way to your destiny.  There is a gift in every situation whether positive or negative that is contributing to the magnificent, beautiful, amazing person you are!   We have a choice of whether to listen to other people’s opinions and hold ourselves back or learn from them and choose our own path, live by our own values, create our own destiny and become a Tall Poppy who helps sprout, nourish and grow other Tall Poppies to stand tall with us! We all have opinions that are relevant and it is a given that some people will confront us, challenge us and push us but consider what their intention is?  Some will try to drag us down, others will inspire us to new paradigms in life... each is perfect as we have the gift of insight and as our commitment to our path is tested (which it will be) it is who you are in the dark times and the light times that truly counts!  It is the people who stand by you in your failures and successes that truly matter!  And it is the ones who see more in you than you see in yourself that will inspire your greatest gifts to flourish from within and push you to be able to achieve the things in life you truly deserve!  Let’s learn from other people’s opinions but always focus on the most important opinions of all – the opinions we have of ourselves!!!

 

 

 

Men & Rejection...

In talking with a couple of my single girlfriends who are independent, gorgeous looking, beautiful on the inside, inspired to achieve and are self sufficient -  it became apparent to me some of these women are feeling dejected and like there is something wrong with them for being single and being dumped or rejected by guys for just being themselves.  I notice that often women, me included at times tend to make a guy not being into us or ready for a relationship mean so much about who we are, what we did or didn’t do and sometimes think we are the ones who need to change because of it.  I have come to realise that if a guy is into you he will make sure you know about it and will do something about it.  If he isn’t then his actions or non actions will speak louder than words giving you a clear indication of where he is really at.  The question is... what does a guy not being into you really mean?  Does it mean you are - Too short? Too tall? Too fat? Too skinny? Too self expressed?  You have the wrong colour hair?  You are too independent?  You are too powerful?  You said or did the wrong thing?  You aren’t pretty enough?  Then this happens - you decide that you really need to change who you are because you have a string of rejections therefore there clearly must be something wrong with you right?  STOP IT LADIES!!!! – You are perfect as you are and there are men out there who love exactly what you have to offer! 

“When you let go of what you are holding on to, you make space for what

wants to hold on to you”

If a relationship is what you truly want then let go of the ones who aren’t into you and create some space for the ones who are!  The ones you let go of may come back but by holding on to something that just isn’t there right now is delusional, draining of your energy and consumes time and space in your mind and day that you could be using to focus on what inspires you!!  So many women (I have done this too) go a little crazy thinking they can change a guy’s mind with thoughts such as “if only he could see how fabulous I am” or make excuses for him “he will come around, he’s just going through a tough time”.  This may all be completely correct and true and by all means I am not saying you shouldn’t be empathetic and supportive.  I am asking you if by clinging to hope, are you truly serving yourself?  Will this get you to where you want to be in life?  And what opportunities are you missing by feeling down and miserable over something that clearly isn’t happening right now?  I am not talking solely about relationship opportunities, I am asking you what could you be doing with yourself and your mind with the time and energy you spend fantasising and hypothesising about what is going on for him, what he might be thinking or what could have been.  I say let go of the straws you are grasping at that at the end of the day is often a desperate attempt to avoid the feelings that come with being rejected.  Things may or may not work out with this guy but clinging to hope chips away at your self esteem, dampens your sense of self worth, makes you do and say crazy things, makes you become needy, consumes time with your girlfriends cycling through drama when you could be filling that space with people, things and opportunities that are empowering and light you up!  Let go of what you are doing to youself that holds you back and surround yourself with possibilities that want you as much as you want them!

“Reality bites but delusion bites harder and for a lot longer”

As difficult as it can be when you are avoiding pain with over positive thinking, avoiding reality and crazy thoughts while clinging to a fairytale ending it is so important you get into the moment and as much as it can hurt, embrace reality and focus on what is going on NOW!! Ask yourself if dwelling on “What should have, could have, would have been” and making things mean stuff about you is really serving you.  A positive outlook and optimism will get you everywhere but disassociation from reality will bring you constant challenges over and over again until you get the point and learn the lesson that has been delivered to you on a silver platter.  You may have to grieve for the shattering of an ideal, you may feel the pain of loss and the reality that a guy simply isn’t into you now and may never be can be a massive blow to the self esteem.  Forget about the fantasy that makes you wonder whether or not the guy you may struggle to let go of will one day wake up and decide he wants to be with you.  He may or may not!  I say forget about wasting your time fantasising over the fairytale moment in your head that he will one day decide that you are ‘the one’ for him.  We cannot make someone love us back and who wants to spend their life trying to convince someone they want to be with you and love you?  If it aint there now, it may never be... let's get real.  Is it him you are wanting or the reassurance that you are lovable and for him to come back would mean you don't have to feel rejected or unlovabe anymore.? Always know you can create that freedom and those feelings on your own!!  He might just turn around and declare his commitment to you and he might not but isn't your time better spent constructively than self destructively?  Why not get on with your own life and empower yourself with the things that are meaningful to you.   Whatever the outcome, clinging to hope will not make any difference and will consume your valuable time and space that could be channelled into productivity, your inspired goals and moving forward with your life! 

“The Chaos Theory”

If you are single and finding you are constantly having drama, chaos and challenges in the relationship and dating department then I challenge you to consider whether or not a relationship TRULY is something you are deep down wanting right now.  When we fill our lives with low priorities, conformity, pretzel ourselves to fit with society’s and other people’s expectations trying to force ourselves to be someone or do something that is not high on our values or truly important to us it will attract chaos, drama and constant challenges.  However when you are doing what is high on your values and important to you things become orderly, flow and you are inspired, unattached and have an inner sense of certainty.  I spent years deluding myself that a relationship was something that was important to me and especially when I reached the upper end of my 30’s I started to freak out thinking I had missed the boat and it was all over.   I became clingy, needy, attached and made rejection mean the end of the world and that I was completely unlovable.  I honestly had to stop myself and evaluate my reactions to situations, the meaning I placed on things and with a stack of other personal grief and loss bubbling away in the background - I had to shift my focus from thinking I had a life full of loss and rejection and going down the path of 'crazy chick' toward seeing the blessings, acknowledging the pain and giving the entire situation an empowering meaning. 

"Where there is chaos, there is order"

In doing a lot of soul searching to establish my true and authentic values, it became evident that relationship wasn’t currently even on my values at all and my life was clearly displaying symptoms of a woman who was bending herself, trying to conform to society’s expectations and force a relationship to happen causing craziness, chaos and creating a string of disappointments and making the rejection and my being single mean there clearly was something wrong with me.   My life was and currently is displaying to me that being single is presently high on my values as it gives me the time, space and energy to continue to do the things that inspire me right now.  By letting go of my attachment to having a man, I experienced a sense of freedom that I can just get on with my life.  Things became more orderly and the energy I was spending on chaos, drama and attachment is now being spent on physical training, writing, creating multiple streams of income, educating myself and continuing to take action toward my mission and living my destiny.  There will be new challenges come my way as that is what life does but when we are on path, living our highest values and focused on our mission these challenges become blessings that are the fuel that feeds our desire.  They are not so consuming and rather than craziness and chaos there is order and flow.  Always remember that values shift and change over time and just because relationship isn’t high on them for me now, it could very well appear in my values at the perfect time when I am able to see how having a relationship supports my highest values. Where there is chaos there is order and everything happens for a reason.  I encourage you to find your balance, define your true values and use that awareness to establish where you are at in the relationship department. If it's not important to you, free yourself to live your true destiny and if it is important to you then I encourage you to get out there in a powerful way!!

“What is meant to be will always find it's way”

When you are living by your true values and inspired in your day to day life you are more attractive – meaning you attract the things that are truly important to you and support you in fulfilling your destiny.  Whether this is a relationship or another inspired goal, it is all perfect.  Why not be your fabulous, vivacious self while going about life in a contagious inspired way knowing that when the time is right, everything you want with focus, determination, resilience and some hard work will fall in your lap – only when you let go of attachment to the person, form it comes in and way it will occur!  Create a clearing in your life for all the things you want and the perfect people will come along for a reason, season or lifetime to challenge and support you to grow into whoever it is you are destined to be.  Rejection is real, it can be painful and can cause us to question ourselves – what a fabulous opportunity to ask yourself the right questions so you can re-align with what is important to you and go out and make that happen.  Wherever it seems someone is rejecting you, there is always someone or many people who are accepting and supporting you!  Be grateful for every experience and by loving yourself first and living your own true inspired destiny the things that once seemed painful quickly become a blessing!!  Love yourself now regardless of your situation or what has occurred while looking forward toward your dreams.  Always remember on the journey that you are divinely perfect and a magnificent woman just the way you are!!  Let go and allow what is meant to be into your life - whatever that truly is for you!!