What Men Want...

Recently I decided to do a simple survey with my male friends to find out what makes them tick in terms of attraction to women, what turns them off and how they determine which women are purely someone they would sleep with or one that is relationship material. In doing this, there was a resounding moment of clarity where I realised (which really shouldn’t be a surprise) that they are all uniquely different in the way they answered the questions. They are all attracted to different traits, turned off by varying behaviour and there is no conclusive evidence regarding whether or not sex on the first date is a deal breaker (although most agree strongly it is) or that making them wait will get you what you want in terms of a relationship. There most certainly were some common themes in their responses and the thing that is most evident... they were all extremely clear, certain and unwavering with their answers. See the bottom of this article for the summary of the feedback I received. I suspect that men tend to be clear on what they want and don’t want. This leads me to a point I often think about and it is this... is all the angst, worry, analysing and meaning making women often do that leads to game playing just happen to be a waste of time? I am almost certain that deep down all women know that and most likely crave being loved and accepted for exactly who they are most naturally while being fed up with being told they are doing the wrong thing, not playing the game or thinking there is something wrong with them.  With all the books, seminars and movies about dating and relating you would think that we would have it worked out by now but I am realising that it has nothing to do with strategy and game playing, it has everything to do with individual values, beliefs, needs and expectations. It is about having your own standards that men can live up to, communicating your needs, boundaries and values clearly and just keep on going until the man who matches this, where you are equally into each other comes along.

“What's your favourite flavour of ice-cream?”

 

Dating and relating is somewhat like choosing your favourite flavour of ice-cream and it’s very easy to acknowledge that one person likes chocolate, another likes strawberry and someone else may like vanilla. There is no right or wrong flavour and we freely accept that if we are offering strawberry flavour to someone who loves chocolate they simply aren’t going to settle for that. They may try strawberry or vanilla in the beginning to see if they like it and even accept one of those flavours for a little while but will keep noticing chocolate until finally they give up settling for another flavour and go out and get their preferred flavour. It’s not always like that though, some people outright know in every part of them that they are a chocolate lover and won’t even contemplate settling for any other flavour no matter how long they have to wait to find that chocolate. Or others are indecisive about their favourite flavour changing their mind constantly leading to confusion, missing opportunities to experience a fabulous flavour or often ending up with no ice-cream at all. Others may already have their flavour and are working at learning, growing, understanding and accepting so that their flavour doesn’t fade and their ice-cream doesn’t melt.  Deciding what type of man you want and what his values might be you set yourself up with a chance to really connect. It’s not about finding the same flavour as you; it’s about deciding which flavour you are willing to love, accept, understand and work at keeping forever...

“You are writing your own life story”

By all means the books, seminars and movies most certainly have relevance and different people will connect with different approaches that can really help them in the journey. The thing that I know will make me most happy and I believe other women may find this too, is to strip away all Hollywood fantasies, fairytale ideas, rule books and self help to reveal who you genuinely and truly are. Here you will discover what your true unique set of values, beliefs, boundaries and expectations are and be able to not only give yourself a chance to attract this, but also sustain it as it is based on your soul’s choice of partner rather than settling or one of flaky materialism. Once you know what you are genuinely seeking you are able to powerfully decide on an approach to dating and relating that fits with your core values enabling you to have clear boundaries of what you will or won’t accept. I believe it is important to implement your own approach and standards that you stick to and follow knowing that it is based on the real you and what you know will make you happy in the long term. You will hear your girlfriends and others tell you how things should look, what he should be doing or not doing when dating you or they will tell you what should or shouldn’t be your deal breakers. This is all based on their own values, experience and unique view of the world. Of course it is neither right or wrong, just different and not truly you unless you choose for it to be that way. Only you know what you are willing to accept and you will always know deep inside when it is time to dive in or get out. You may have to wait longer and you might need to have a few goes at it risking hurt, pain, rejection or failure but also in taking a risk you will find true love, deep connection and also a match on a behavioural and practical level. Adapting and changing yourself to get a man to want you will only end in tears while being yourself as best you can, sorting through them and focusing on what you deep down want gives you the chance to be with the person you are destined for. It will never be an all positive experience and you will have to face your deepest fears and at times have to be harsh and decisive about whom is good for you and who isn’t. Always remember there are no guarantees in life but you can always make the most of what you have at the time with an abundant attitude that has you remember the age old saying “There are always plenty of fish in the sea”. If you prefer salmon  why would you accept anything less or settle for a type of fish that is not your favourite?  It may take time, effort, patience and commitment to catch your preferred fish but it is always worth the wait.  Also, you will usually appreciate and value more that which you have chosen from your heart, soul and core values which you have worked for.

“Write your soul mate a love letter”

I find this a great way to get really clear on what you need from your future life partner and also practice communicating it. If you feel inspired, I highly recommend you sit down and write a love letter to your soul mate expressing everything you need him to provide, your perspective on marriage and children, what you value most in life, your communication style, your approach to finances, what you are willing to give him, what your favourite foods are, your dream date, travel destinations, good and bad habits and just as importantly what your deal breakers are that were he to do that you would have no option but to leave. Some deal breakers may include infidelity, addictions, abuse or whatever it is for you. Everyone has different levels they are willing to accept and varying thresholds before they will leave so be clear on what they are.  You may wish to simply keep it for yourself to refer back to or when you suspect your soul mate has come along and you are at a comfortable stage you may even wish to give it to this very lucky man to read. As difficult as it can be to lay your heart, soul and deepest desires on the table I believe it better to have clarity in the beginning rather than getting 5 years down the track in a state of revelation that you really are unable to provide what each other needs. Keep faith and never give up....

“Key themes the guys provided”

I sincerely appreciate the feedback my male friends so kindly provided. Their willingness to help is something to be admired and contributes to women in a significant way. Please understand these are not the be all and end all of what men think they are simply themes based on a small group of men which are extremely relevant and a summary of themes in their responses. The key themes that were evident in the survey are:

What do men find most attractive in women?

Confidence

Well maintained appearance and taking pride in herself but also comfortable in casual attire as well

Independence

Great personality and able to hold a conversation

Intelligence

Kind nature and nurturing

Sexy physically but also mentally

Waiting before having sex

Fun and can have a laugh

Natural beauty, lovely skin and beautiful smile

What are the biggest turn offs with women?

Looks mean nothing if there is no personality or if she speaks like bogan

Sleeping with men on the first date

Jealousy and playing games

Being clingy and needy

Giving guys an ultimatum

Trying to change a man

Annoying and interfereing friends

Bitchiness especially about other women

Vain, too much make up, fake and not being comfortable in her own skin

What is the key difference in identifying a woman who is purely a physical connection to one who is relationship material?

Sometimes a guy goes out simply with no intention of forging a relationship and is only looking for a one night stand. If he sleeps with you on the first night, usually (not absolutely but most often) he is not looking for a relationship

Guys are visual and physical features are what draws them in but the personality is what closes the deal in terms of whether or not she is relationship material

Women who flirt with a guy's friends or other guys are most likely categorised as not relationship material

A girl who has sex on the first date usually isn't considered relationship material but one who makes him wait is more likely to become the girlfriend.  On this note, I was advised that making him wait too long can be an issue and also sexual compatability is an important thing.

They ask themselves if this woman can be their best friend and can they still be with this woman when looks fade

Their attention may go to the sexy dresser but their heart goes to the woman who can hold his attention through conversation and when his attention is nowhere near the body and all on a woman’s beautiful face

A woman who backs a man up and supports him in his career and drive to produce results

This one had to come up – they love it when a woman can cook

She makes him want to step up in life and be a better man

They sometimes don’t have an explanation, they just know

 

The Art of Allowing...

A few years ago I attended a seminar in San Francisco called the Art of Allowing presented by Esther Hicks who is renowned for channelling the age old spiritual Teachings of Abraham.  For those who aren't familiar, the Art of Allowing is simply the process of allowing youreslf to attract and receive the things you want and dream about into your life.  For some it is simple and for others receiving can be a struggle and at this workshop it became apparent to me that allowing is a key aspect of femininity.   By no means am I an expert on the Teachings of Abraham, but I have noticed that although it can be perceived as quite a spiritual approach to manifesting your dreams which I really love, there is clearly also a practical side.  Always remember that allowing in the new takes letting go of the things you are hanging on to and making space in your life for what you truly deserve.  Oprah said it like this “If you want new clothes in your wardrobe, clear out the old ones that no longer serve you and make the space for the new ones”.

“Allowing starts with balanced thoughts, feelings and emotions”

The Art of Allowing starts with balancing your thoughts feelings and emotions to accept your current situation and embarking on the lifelong balancing act and journey of letting of the past to create the space for new possibilities.  Do you find that you seem to be doing all the right things in terms of positive thinking yet you just can’t seem to reach that happy place?  Do you notice that no matter how hard you try to push aside the negative thoughts and emotions you still sometimes end up in states of depression, anger or frustration?  Welcome to the real world and you are most certainly not alone.  Escaping in your mind to a happy place has its purpose, and this is not about discounting positive thinking; it is about accepting there are positive and negative traits in life.  It is about beginning to acknowledge your true thoughts, feelings and emotions to help you love yourself and others wholly while finding a balance. I feel the biggest mistake people make in the positive thinking world is to suppress or ignore negative or undesired emotions covering them over with positive thoughts and affirmations which in turn block them from opportunities.  Positive affirmations and thoughts can be very valuable and effective but on top of a live volcano of fiery emotions, have little or no effect at all.  Often negativity is labelled wrong and bad causing people to pretend they never experience it which totally confuses me because deep down we all know that we do it at times, so why pretend that it’s not real?  Sure, what you focus on determines your outcome and having a positive outlook is priceless but consider for a moment whether you want to build your foundation of life on sand or stone? Balanced thinking can be essential in the process of truly loving anyone, anything and maintaining longevity in what you create.  Too often we discount possibilities because they seem too negative and strive for purely positive life, sometimes referred to as a delusional fairytale that has you chasing your tail.  I believe you can create anything you choose in life and it is important to love all aspects then choose powerfully what is serving you and let go of what is standing in your way.  Allowing what you dream of into your life begins with letting go of the past, knowing what you want, being grateful for the full spectrum of emotions and the entire experience of fully living.

“What we repress, we express” Dr John De Martini

I believe Dr John De Martini says it well when he states that ‘What we repress, we express”.  What this refers to is that suppressing and pretending that there is no such thing as negativity can cause you to explode when the jar of emotions is so full it overflows and you can’t hide it anymore.  By trying to get away from negative thoughts and emotions it can be the very thing that causes people to ride a rollercoaster of depression and happiness or elation and deflation often labelled bipolar tendencies.  This can also cause people to create inconsistent results and a loss of faith in themselves and their ability to produce what they want.  It can cause people to spend most of their time getting back up from knock downs and falls from grace when that energy could be spent clearing the way for new possibilities.  None of us are immune to this and what I have noticed is that we often have an immense fear of facing the negative traits or darkness for varying reasons but letting go of it can be the very thing that sets us free. Releasing the past is not something that happens instantly and will always be a lifelong journey.  Just know that letting go of the past, shifting from negative repression to balanced self expression and clearing the way, although confronting can be a graceful experience.  To build a house on a rocky block of land covered in trees first requires some clearing to enable you to set solid foundations and build your dream home.  It takes time, patience, overcoming challenges and planning to see the end result but you are committed to the outcome.  Your house then requires ongoing maintenance and at times renovations but you love it regardless of its flaws.  Had you not recognised the great opportunity, made a clearing for it, accepted that it would come with positives and negatives, then built your dream on a solid foundation you may never have known what it is like to live your dream.  What does your dream life look like and what is it that you need to clear so you are able to allow it to manifest into your life?

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”

In the Teachings of Abraham Esther Hicks spoke of and demonstrated a process and simple method to help people attract new opportunities into their life.  I feel blessed to have been able to experience this in person and have the opportunity to view the world through new eyes especially after doing a lot of positive thinking seminars and striving for instant happiness and change.  In the Teachings of Abraham, Esther explained that rather than trying to make things better instantly or wanting happiness right this very minute it can be more powerful to simply reach for a better feeling place.  What I perceived this to mean is that instead of expecting to go from depression to happiness in an instant boycotting all other thoughts, feelings and emotions, to be realistic and decide to make a slight shift from depression to other emotions such as anger then maybe reaching for frustration while simultaneously acknowledging these traits.  Once you have owned frustration you are then able to shift into a state of annoyance which may have less of an emotional charge to it allowing you to comfortably and authentically begin to own more positive traits such as acceptance, contentment, gratitude, fun, peace or happiness.  Think of it like climbing a ladder.  It is impossible to get to the top without climbing up one rung at a time.  Any time you try to rush it and skip a rung or a few rungs, you lose stability and sometimes even fall back to where you started in a state of pain.  Whereas when you climb at a pace that is comfortable for you, taking one safe and steady step up at a time you reach the top with power and certainty.  Sometimes you may drop back a few rungs but since you know that it’s a gradual steady climbing process you are fine and know this is just part of life and you climb right back up again.   Eventually it feels normal being at the top of this ladder and setbacks are hardly affecting you anymore so you choose to get a bigger ladder that takes you to much greater heights.  Once again you set out on a similar journey one rung at a time, initially it is a little scary as you are experiencing things that may be unfamiliar but you take on the challenge expanding your horizons and putting yourself in a position where your view of the world has improved significantly.  You congratulate yourself for having the persistence and courage to climb such great heights.  You acknowledge yourself for confronting fear and negative thoughts, feelings and emotions along the way to be able to solidly stand tall ready for the opportunity to take on the next level in life one rung at a time.  Over time the state of depression seems like a distant memory and the solid foundation on which you stand has you know that you won’t go back but also gives you certainty that if you did, you know that you are always capable of climbing out again.

“Aim for the moon and you will at least reach the stars”

In the Art of Allowing I believe it is very important to also reach for a place that leads you to inner certainty that you are capable of creating anything you choose while knowing you are magnificent, worthy and deserving of all things that you value.  They say to aim for the moon and you will at least reach the stars.  I believe this is a great perspective to take as long as you know that it takes time, planning, commitment, action and sometimes hard work to get to the stars or even the moon.  Also it takes a solid foundation with a gradual, steady climb while overcoming challenges to be able to stay there.  Creating space and being a clearing for possibilities can be a fun and rewarding process filled with the magnificence of the ebbs and flows that are part of the beauty of life.  Let go of your attachment to your goals and give up forcing it to happen.  Replace this with certainty, faith and an inner knowing that it may take various forms and shapes before you find the one that suits you best.  Begin to embrace the entirety of the journey with a positive outlook and focus on your destination.  Open yourself up to the gifts life has to offer as the only difference between the ones who get where they want to go and the ones who don’t is the willingness to do what it takes to make it happen, clearing the way for the new and allowing in all that they know deep in their beautiful soul they are worthy of! 

Girl Talk...

Something I have noticed lately after being in this world for just over 36 years is that men and women are different.   I am a bit slow I know!!  On a physical level it is clearly very obvious but in the way we think, communicate, interpret information and act we truly are most often living in two very different worlds.   I don't speak for all men or women here and this is all a simple generalisation based on my perception of the world, studies and personal experience.  The problem I see is that as women we want a masculine, focused, strong man who protects us and provides yet we expect him to be all soft and emotional and be able to communicate his inner most deep and meaningful thoughts at the same time.  I know there are some guys out there who have mastered or are in the process of mastering the art of understanding girl talk but the point is, we often expect men to be able to understand girl talk and the language of deep and meaningful conversations at the expense of current or future possiblities. Don’t you think it is ironic how some women complain saying they want a real man but contradict themselves by saying they wish guys would be more deep and meaningful and communicate their deepest thoughts, feelings and emotions?  Then there is the thing we are all guilty of saying to a man at some point... if you care about me or love me you will change!! 

“Give up the need to be right, and give yourself the chance to be with Mr Right”

Understanding goes both ways but the only person you have control over or can change is you! By no means is there anything wrong with girl talk, but consider the impact of doing it outside of your group of girlfriends.  To men we can speak in riddles often with no point at all and wonder why we are not getting the desired response and in some cases, no response at all. We are often dazed and confused as to why guys lose interest or attraction leaving us to wonder what on earth is wrong with us?  Why isn’t he interested and he seems so distracted?  We often blame the guys thinking it is entirely their fault... it must be since the same thing keeps happening to you with men over and over again.  Surely they are all hard wired to lose interest in a woman and get distracted at that exact same moment every time.  Failed attempt after failed attempt to connect almost drives you crazy and leaves you questioning the masculine race’s ability to understand women.  Because of this you seemingly have no choice but to blame them for their obvious disconnection from their emotions right?  Or decide it clearly must be their inability to be able to handle a mature, fully self expressed woman?  Or the biggest one of all that we convince ourselves of... it means he clearly doesn’t care about me!  That’s the logical thing to think isn’t it?  Unfortunately, as difficult as this may be to admit and accept, in all this you are the common denominator and often men are simply responding to us.  I am finally realising that all this hasn't got as much to do with the guys as first thought... it’s mostly got everything to do with US! 

"The love drug always distorts perception"

For some reason when you add emotional investment, attraction and chemistry something takes over and all sense of sanity and logic is pushed aside for the crazy rollercoaster of highs and lows.  These chemical reactions in the brain most certainly can be love but the issue is that when we feel these things it can invoke fears or an addiction to the love drug.  This in turn often causes women to turn into someone they really are not.  It makes us think like a crazy woman making stories or scenarios up in our head.  We say things we wouldn't normally say, do things we wouldn't usually do and of course beat up on ourselves in a state of regret.  I don't know about you, but I have had times when I would speak before I would think then look back and wonder what on earth was I even saying?  With emotional investment it seems like there is so much at stake, your world becomes full of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and fear of rejection while all of a sudden you are reliving your past hurts and failures all over again.  And then trying to talk to him about it in a despearte attempt to make things right!!  Let’s face it, when there is no pressure to impress or nothing to lose we are able to be calm, rational and spend less time thinking, analysing and sweating over whether or not we are doing or saying the right thing.  Our expectations are far more realistic and if our expectations aren’t met we are less likely to take it personally and more likely to be ok with the fact that we are not the centre of the universe at every moment.  Emotional investment, attraction and chemistry coupled with expectation can become a brick wall between you and men ruining any chance you have at creating or sustaining genuine partnerships.  With such investment coupled with a lack of understanding and compassion for the opposite sex it can lead to explosive and disastrous situations that can be avoided.  Are you causing men to run a mile, pushing them away or giving them no choice but to retreat to the man cave in attempt to undestand why no matter what he does you just don't seem to be happy?  By no means am I an expert in this area and trust me, I have really had to learn this one the hard way, but the thing I do know is that we have to make a choice of the type of connections we want in our lives and learn to accept and work at understanding that person’s unique approach to communicating to gain rapport and forge a deep ongoing balanced loving connection. 

"Men are responding to you"

At the end of the day, although it may seem easier to blame guys for the way they respond or don’t respond to us there really is no power in that at all.  It is a fact of life that we will do and say things that are not considered perfect by a long shot and it has become evident that changing ourselves is not the answer.  Being yourself while making the effort to connect and unnderstand yourself and others is.  The reality is that we need to take responsibility for our part while realising that some guys aren't our type, some are just right and others there may be miscommunication but they are worth working at it for.  Some guys will want to work at it and some won't but know this... when you come from a place of fear you are not being authentic and guys most often will not understand you.  But when you come from a place of acceptance, understanding and forgiveness you give yourself half a chance to create or restore quality connections through balanced and powerful communication.  We have to accept that some will leave, some lie, cheat or are abusive and should be removed from your life while some simply are not interested and as difficult as that is to accept, it is a fact of life.  On the other hand there are amazing, respectful, masculine, purpose driven men out there who would move heaven and earth just for the opportunity to communicate with you for just one moment.  Or some who would make you know he isn’t going anywhere and you are safe, accepted and loved regardless of the good times, bad times and inevitable moments of miscommunication.  Why not go all the way and say you may even find that although he doesn’t understand one bit of your girl talk, he loves that you are self expressed and quirky.  Everyone has different values, needs and willingness and ability to find a balance in relating to the opposite sex.  The key is to get to know what you want and have a man in your life who accepts the differences and is willing to work at it... because you are worth it!!

 

Reciprocal Love...

It is often said that people will give what they most want to receive themselves, espcially love. We can spend a lot of time giving to others hoping for reciprocity when a little bit of self love and giving to one’s self is all that is really needed. The Universal Law of Reciprocity says that what you give out you receive back... but the clause that I feel most of us miss, especially women is 'you only receive back if you allow yourself to do so and you must first love and value yourself to receive that which you consider love and value in return'.

"Giving and receiving"

It can seem at times like we are constantly giving and making most of the effort in friendships and relationships. I am not talking about keeping score, I am talking about the inner knowing and feeling that somewhere deep inside, something is a little out of whack. Giving unconditionally is something that I believe is an essential aspect of not only being a caring woman but is also in alignment with the basic human need for purpose and the inner drive to contribute to society and the world. Altruism (self-sacrifice) can be considered a noble approach but the over giver can find themselves landing in a state of narcissism (selfishness) for giving so much with little or nothing in return, usually caused by an inability of the giver to receive. Thus leading to a cycle of altruism and narcissism or times of full emotional tanks and giving to then times of empty emotional tanks which can show up as demanding from others or taking back (as much as we loath to admit it). It can be like a rollercoaster of contentment and resentment. All forms of connections serve a purpose and are great learning experiences in the never ending journey of balance and equal investment in each other. The key point here is that life can be a highway of two way traffic of giving and receiving with a reasonably smooth journey toward your destination. It can involve people who are as equally invested in your connection as you are in them even at times where it may not seem like it. We are the ones who teach people how to treat us showing them consciously and subconsciously what is acceptable or not acceptable in our realm. We have the choice whether to enforce boundaries that make others feel disempowered or gracefully stand in our power taking responsibility, being clear of our needs and communicating our boundaries to empower all involved. There is no such thing as being perfect at this but I feel it important to atleast be aware that self love and fulfilment is essential to all fulfilling partnerships.

“Metaphorically navigating the streets of life”

Why do people take one way streets in life over and over again when two way streets are easier to navigate, logical and were invented for a reason? Sometimes life is like driving in the Sydney CBD where one way streets are inevitable. There are times when you are driving by yourself and keep getting caught on one way streets going in circles, becoming more and more lost, frustrated and annoyed with yourself for continuing to choose the one way streets that don't lead you anywhere. Although you desperately want to find the two way streets that will make you feel more certain about where you are going, it’s like your natural compass defaults to turn down those one way streets over and over again for what seems like no purpose at all. You begin to think being caught in this web of one way streets going nowhere fast is a waste of time and energy. You ask yourself why you didn't look at the map of life, understand it, weigh up your options and maybe even realise it’s time to start approaching things in a different way. In your annoyed state of mind, you begin blaming Sydney, Town Planning and the City Council for making these crazy one way streets and think to yourself ‘if only the city would change so that your life could be much easier’. You feel like you are always stuck, going at snail’s pace, worn out and never ever getting where you really want to go. Eventually you find yourself stranded on the side of the road with an empty fuel tank because you failed to notice the red light on the dash board telling you that you are running on empty. You have no idea how, but you forgot to fill your fuel tank for being so busy focusing on the one way streets. It feels like you just can't go on doing it anymore. In a fit or road rage you throw up your hands in resignation, hit rock bottom, blame everyone else and lash out at the people whose fault you think it is. Then as you calm down, your thoughts begin to clear, you feel remorse and regret for the way you reacted and try to fix it often with no success...until finally you see a glimmer of light. Maybe there is another way to be in life and ultimately I am the one who chose to take the one way streets.  Maybe there were some lovely sights to see and new experiences I could have appreciated had I been more focused on the journey? What if it's not the outside world that is to blame? Maybe it is something I am doing or not doing that causes me to miss opportunities, end up going in circles, running out of fuel, creating drama and hitting rock bottom before I am willing to change? But what on earth can I do about it?

“Equal exchange starts with you”

In considering the map of the world via which you are travelling the journey of life, seeing where you are at right now as having served a purpose in the grand scheme of things and as divinely perfect is a great place to start. Sometimes it can feel like you keep on giving and things hardly ever comes back to you. We all tend to do this at times and I am sure that most mothers would have a lot of valuable insight to contribute regarding unconditional giving to the point of empty physical and emotional tanks, how challenging it can be yet also how much it is worth it in the end. It is inevitable that for various reasons we will at times give more than we receive and sometimes will be completely ok with it and other times silently harbour or outwardly express resentment for it. Doing this is neither right or wrong or good or bad, it is an aspect of the nature of human beings. Ultimately giving and making effort in friendships and relationships is not about what you can get, it is about the exchanges between people who add to each other’s lives and enhance the human experience. It can be very easy to blame others if you are experiencing what you consider one way streets but at the end of the day, we set ourselves up for the way that people perceive us and treat us. We are the ones who often forget to put our own wellbeing first but the good news is that we have the power to choose to transform some connections through communication or let go of those that no longer fit with your values or are willing to share the journey with you equally. When you can see that it is not your fault or the fault of anyone else you are able to set yourself free to consider shifting the direction of your connections. You can begin to see that by taking care of yourself and filling your own love tanks you are able to give and love more freely without expectation. You become self fulfilling and pleasant to be around while being inspiring and uplifting to those around you. Loving yourself and doing the things that energize you, nurture your mind, body, spirit and soul will open the flood gates of abundance helping you move out of the traffic jam and onto the free flowing two way highway of love in no time at all.

“Invest in your number one asset”

Connections are like financial investments, you don’t know for a fact what the outcome will be but if you don’t invest at all; you never give yourself the chance to strike jackpot, reap any rewards or give rewards to others. You have to be in it to win it and there is an element of risk involved in anything worth working for, fighting for or investing in. These are usually the things that you appreciate and value the most. The key thing to understand is the importance of recognising a good investment when it is right in front of you and giving it a chance or when an investment is not working out, when to cut your losses, withdraw and re-invest somewhere else. No investment is ever a waste of time because even if you feel like you lost or it failed you received the gift of learning to be able to invest more wisely next time around. Being clear on what you are willing to accept or not accept from others is an essential aspect of self empowerment. Having realistic but high standards for yourself enables you to have something to work toward and creates clear boundaries to assist in making decisions regarding the way you allow yourself to be treated. Instead of focusing on just your investment in others, placing your attention on investing in you is the way you set yourself up to reap the greatest returns in life and love. You are worth working for, fighting for and investing in. Give to yourself what you so freely give to others and watch your internal and external world transform.

"The highway of love"

By surrounding yourself with others who are just as willing to invest in you as you are them is a step toward balance and remember it is an ongoing journey. The journey will consist of trial and error, communication, giving, receiving and also accepting that people come into our lives for a reason, season or a lifetime. The only certainty you have is that you are living with yourself for the rest of your life and to invest in yourself first you are able to contribute more to others and the world. Start today by considering the things that make you happy and inspired in your hobbies, health, relationships and career and set out to do those things first. I believe that not taking care of yourself to be the best version of you for others is the true definition of being selfish. Trying to change your outer world and people around you only will cause you grief and a lot of resistance, but simultaneously transforming your inner and outer world you gradually set up your own internal and external two way free flowing highway of love. It can be difficult to put yourself first sometimes and it can take time for others to get used to it but I promise you it is worth it because you are!! Let the ongoing journey begin and always remember that your wellbeing is the best investment you will ever make. To give to yourself first you allow the ability to give outwardly more freely and are able to make a greater difference in your own life, the lives of others and in the world. In considering whether you feel loved by others, also remember that different people show love in different ways, in varying amounts and at different times.  As we often give love the way we want to receive it, so do others.  So when you feel at times you may not be loved or people may not care, this often means that you may not be being shown love in the way that you percieve being loved means.  I promise you if you look around you, love is always there and by making yourself number one and loving yourself first while giving love to the outside world, you give others the chance to do the same right back to you...

Live and love like there is no tomorrow...

Valentines Day...

I want to start by saying that Valentine’s Day in my view is a lovely and special day... it can however bring with it a harsh reality for some. This is not so much about what other people do or don’t do for us on this significant day but more about what we often do to ourselves. It can be a lovely and special day regardless...
 

What about me? It isn’t fair...

In the lead up to Valentine’s Day I can see the dread in some of my friend’s faces, hear it in their words and feel their pain and most definitely find myself experiencing it too. What is it about this day that makes some feel that way on a day meant as a special and romantic occasion? Why is so much weight placed on a day that originally was named after three St Valentines who had no interest in romance at all? In the Middle Ages it became a day dedicated to declaring love, writing love letters and sending romantic tokens with the donated name of St Valentine based on the day birds paired off. Quite a lovely concept I believe and you would think it would be a happy day in the lives of all right? Unfortunately not! Over time this day has evolved from what once was an optional romantic expression between lovers, and although it definitely still can be, in a lot of ways it has become a day of global commercialism, expectation, compulsory giving and for some it is one of the most lonely and depressing days of the year. I believe it can affect men and women but especially women as it most certainly can bring up thoughts of invalidation for being single or dissapointment for unfulfilled expectations. The sad truth is that it can leave feelings of deflation, rejection and emptiness at the end of the day if you didn’t receive flowers, a card or even some anonymous expression of interest. A day that could be very special can often end up being a day that ends in a spiral of darkness. Don’t get me wrong, I love Valentine’s Day and I think it is a wonderful day where people across the globe express themselves in a way they may not otherwise do so. Many extraordinary relationships have been ignited or re-ignited on this significant day of the year especially dedicated to making people feel wanted and special. The point I am making is that although this day is meant to be a celebration of the one thing most people live for, it is also a day that can be rife with disappointment.

Stay with me, there is a happy ending to the fairytale...

The thing about a day like Valentine’s Day is that it only means what you make it mean and it is your expectations that will make or break this day for you. Sometimes in life it can feel like nobody cares, you are all alone and you may wonder what the point is if it is so hard at times, especially times like Valentine’s Day. I know I sometimes feel this way and it can be suffocating and bring up emotions and sadness that you wish would go back to where they came from... suppressed deeply in your subconscious. You are only human and acknowledging your emotions can be the thing that sets you free from them. So what is this sadness really based on? Of course there is the very basic human need for love and connection that makes you feel validated and often gives you a sense of purpose. However, I will have it a guess that for most women it is an overwhelming sense of unfulfilled expectation. It is likely to be due to the fact that their life may not look the way they thought it might at this stage or this particular day doesn’t quite go the way ‘they’ had planned out or had hoped for in their minds. I am not only speaking to the single ladies here...Let’s face it; there are just as many disappointed women in relationships on Valentine’s Day as single ladies and it's most often not the man's fault. Where does this disappointment originate do you think? Maybe it is in the belief that the bigger and more expensive the bunch of red roses, teddy bear, romantic dinner and presents the more you are loved? Is it that the more you are spoilt, the more you must mean to your partner? Or if he guesses EXACTLY what you want him to give; he must really be completely head over heels for you? I think these are all wonderful things to want and I can imagine there are few women out there who wouldn’t feel completely adored by being showered with all of these things. I most certainly wouldn’t complain that’s for sure but does all that mean you are loved? Or does receiving something small that’s not exactly what you expected or nothing at all mean that you are not loved?....I have to note at this point I am wondering how the guys out there must cope dealing with the pressures of Valentine’s Day and how much they must sweat of over dodging failure. It most certainly goes both ways but sometimes we forget to empathise and step into someone else's shoes for a moment...

Every story has morals...

The moral of the story here is that I believe having expectations can be a very positive thing but uncommunicated expectations and basing your self worth, validity and whether or not you are loved on a particular day and external factors can be recipe for overwhelming disappointment. I’m sure it’s not like this for all women, but I feel social conditioning may have shifted the meaning of the international day of true love toward an international day of proving love. This has nothing to do with what you do or don’t receive, it has everything to do with gratitude for the real person behind the giving and receiving... the only person who needs to prove love to you is you. All the admirers or gifts in the world can never replace the biggest gift of all, loving yourself regardless of your external circumstances and seeing and being seen for the S.O.U.L (Spirit Of Unconditional Love) you and others really are!!!

“Trade your expectation for appreciation and your world changes instantly” Anthony Robbins

With a shift in perspective and focus away from what you think may be missing in your life toward an attitude of gratitude for what you do have and all the love and connection you are receiving already you give yourself the biggest blessing ever... reprieve from the expectations you place upon yourself. Looking around you and seeing things differently can be difficult at times but with practice it is possible to have blissful moments where the importance of material things and your relationship status becomes irrelevant. What is relevant is the journey rather than the destination and the willingness to accept that each day is what you make it. I am not saying to delude yourself or pretend thoughts, feelings and emotions aren’t there, real or relevant; what I am suggesting is that as difficult as it can be, do not succumb to the false belief that your situation in life and one day of the year means anything about who you are, the life you lead and the impact you are having on others. Valentine’s Day is just another day and all of the pressure people place upon themselves and others can be the very thing that dampens the experience, blinds them to the potential for joy and can even be a barrier to possibilities. Be grateful for what you have now and be humble in your outlook with a focus on ‘giving and receiving’ rather than ‘getting’. The simple things are often the most precious things and all the rest is frosting on the cake in the amount and flavour that you also deserve. Dr John De Martini says “What you thank about, you bring about”.

“If love is universal, no one can be left out” Deepak Chopra

It can be difficult at this time of year to feel like you aren’t missing something or receiving what you need. There is no such thing as being immune to moments of sadness, depression, loneliness or unfulfilled expectation but you can shift your perspective and change the meaning to help you cope if need be. Regardless of how you feel, it is possible to change the meaning you place upon a situation for no other purpose but to bring more gratitude and grace into your life and the lives of those around you, especially on difficult days. Each individual person is assessing, judging and placing meaning on things consciously and subconsciously at any given moment having an impact on the outcome of each situation. You are in charge of your thoughts, feelings and emotions and although it may not seem that way, you have control over the meaning you place on a particular day, your relationship status, whether you feel disappointment or gratitude and ultimately your view on what being loved really means. It may be completely different for every individual on the planet but a wise man once told me that “love is omni potent and omni present” meaning that love is everywhere and is here now. It means that it does not go anywhere and nobody gives it to you or can take it away. It means love includes the good times and bad times and that even when you think you are not loved, you most certainly are. Is this true, right or real? I really don’t know. Do I do it all the time? Most definitely not but there are times where believing it really helps. So if you feel like you are left out of the love game, think again... you have all the love you need within you now.

Happy Valentine’s Day... whatever the outcome, make it mean something great!