What Men Want...

Recently I decided to do a simple survey with my male friends to find out what makes them tick in terms of attraction to women, what turns them off and how they determine which women are purely someone they would sleep with or one that is relationship material. In doing this, there was a resounding moment of clarity where I realised (which really shouldn’t be a surprise) that they are all uniquely different in the way they answered the questions. They are all attracted to different traits, turned off by varying behaviour and there is no conclusive evidence regarding whether or not sex on the first date is a deal breaker (although most agree strongly it is) or that making them wait will get you what you want in terms of a relationship. There most certainly were some common themes in their responses and the thing that is most evident... they were all extremely clear, certain and unwavering with their answers. See the bottom of this article for the summary of the feedback I received. I suspect that men tend to be clear on what they want and don’t want. This leads me to a point I often think about and it is this... is all the angst, worry, analysing and meaning making women often do that leads to game playing just happen to be a waste of time? I am almost certain that deep down all women know that and most likely crave being loved and accepted for exactly who they are most naturally while being fed up with being told they are doing the wrong thing, not playing the game or thinking there is something wrong with them.  With all the books, seminars and movies about dating and relating you would think that we would have it worked out by now but I am realising that it has nothing to do with strategy and game playing, it has everything to do with individual values, beliefs, needs and expectations. It is about having your own standards that men can live up to, communicating your needs, boundaries and values clearly and just keep on going until the man who matches this, where you are equally into each other comes along.

“What's your favourite flavour of ice-cream?”

 

Dating and relating is somewhat like choosing your favourite flavour of ice-cream and it’s very easy to acknowledge that one person likes chocolate, another likes strawberry and someone else may like vanilla. There is no right or wrong flavour and we freely accept that if we are offering strawberry flavour to someone who loves chocolate they simply aren’t going to settle for that. They may try strawberry or vanilla in the beginning to see if they like it and even accept one of those flavours for a little while but will keep noticing chocolate until finally they give up settling for another flavour and go out and get their preferred flavour. It’s not always like that though, some people outright know in every part of them that they are a chocolate lover and won’t even contemplate settling for any other flavour no matter how long they have to wait to find that chocolate. Or others are indecisive about their favourite flavour changing their mind constantly leading to confusion, missing opportunities to experience a fabulous flavour or often ending up with no ice-cream at all. Others may already have their flavour and are working at learning, growing, understanding and accepting so that their flavour doesn’t fade and their ice-cream doesn’t melt.  Deciding what type of man you want and what his values might be you set yourself up with a chance to really connect. It’s not about finding the same flavour as you; it’s about deciding which flavour you are willing to love, accept, understand and work at keeping forever...

“You are writing your own life story”

By all means the books, seminars and movies most certainly have relevance and different people will connect with different approaches that can really help them in the journey. The thing that I know will make me most happy and I believe other women may find this too, is to strip away all Hollywood fantasies, fairytale ideas, rule books and self help to reveal who you genuinely and truly are. Here you will discover what your true unique set of values, beliefs, boundaries and expectations are and be able to not only give yourself a chance to attract this, but also sustain it as it is based on your soul’s choice of partner rather than settling or one of flaky materialism. Once you know what you are genuinely seeking you are able to powerfully decide on an approach to dating and relating that fits with your core values enabling you to have clear boundaries of what you will or won’t accept. I believe it is important to implement your own approach and standards that you stick to and follow knowing that it is based on the real you and what you know will make you happy in the long term. You will hear your girlfriends and others tell you how things should look, what he should be doing or not doing when dating you or they will tell you what should or shouldn’t be your deal breakers. This is all based on their own values, experience and unique view of the world. Of course it is neither right or wrong, just different and not truly you unless you choose for it to be that way. Only you know what you are willing to accept and you will always know deep inside when it is time to dive in or get out. You may have to wait longer and you might need to have a few goes at it risking hurt, pain, rejection or failure but also in taking a risk you will find true love, deep connection and also a match on a behavioural and practical level. Adapting and changing yourself to get a man to want you will only end in tears while being yourself as best you can, sorting through them and focusing on what you deep down want gives you the chance to be with the person you are destined for. It will never be an all positive experience and you will have to face your deepest fears and at times have to be harsh and decisive about whom is good for you and who isn’t. Always remember there are no guarantees in life but you can always make the most of what you have at the time with an abundant attitude that has you remember the age old saying “There are always plenty of fish in the sea”. If you prefer salmon  why would you accept anything less or settle for a type of fish that is not your favourite?  It may take time, effort, patience and commitment to catch your preferred fish but it is always worth the wait.  Also, you will usually appreciate and value more that which you have chosen from your heart, soul and core values which you have worked for.

“Write your soul mate a love letter”

I find this a great way to get really clear on what you need from your future life partner and also practice communicating it. If you feel inspired, I highly recommend you sit down and write a love letter to your soul mate expressing everything you need him to provide, your perspective on marriage and children, what you value most in life, your communication style, your approach to finances, what you are willing to give him, what your favourite foods are, your dream date, travel destinations, good and bad habits and just as importantly what your deal breakers are that were he to do that you would have no option but to leave. Some deal breakers may include infidelity, addictions, abuse or whatever it is for you. Everyone has different levels they are willing to accept and varying thresholds before they will leave so be clear on what they are.  You may wish to simply keep it for yourself to refer back to or when you suspect your soul mate has come along and you are at a comfortable stage you may even wish to give it to this very lucky man to read. As difficult as it can be to lay your heart, soul and deepest desires on the table I believe it better to have clarity in the beginning rather than getting 5 years down the track in a state of revelation that you really are unable to provide what each other needs. Keep faith and never give up....

“Key themes the guys provided”

I sincerely appreciate the feedback my male friends so kindly provided. Their willingness to help is something to be admired and contributes to women in a significant way. Please understand these are not the be all and end all of what men think they are simply themes based on a small group of men which are extremely relevant and a summary of themes in their responses. The key themes that were evident in the survey are:

What do men find most attractive in women?

Confidence

Well maintained appearance and taking pride in herself but also comfortable in casual attire as well

Independence

Great personality and able to hold a conversation

Intelligence

Kind nature and nurturing

Sexy physically but also mentally

Waiting before having sex

Fun and can have a laugh

Natural beauty, lovely skin and beautiful smile

What are the biggest turn offs with women?

Looks mean nothing if there is no personality or if she speaks like bogan

Sleeping with men on the first date

Jealousy and playing games

Being clingy and needy

Giving guys an ultimatum

Trying to change a man

Annoying and interfereing friends

Bitchiness especially about other women

Vain, too much make up, fake and not being comfortable in her own skin

What is the key difference in identifying a woman who is purely a physical connection to one who is relationship material?

Sometimes a guy goes out simply with no intention of forging a relationship and is only looking for a one night stand. If he sleeps with you on the first night, usually (not absolutely but most often) he is not looking for a relationship

Guys are visual and physical features are what draws them in but the personality is what closes the deal in terms of whether or not she is relationship material

Women who flirt with a guy's friends or other guys are most likely categorised as not relationship material

A girl who has sex on the first date usually isn't considered relationship material but one who makes him wait is more likely to become the girlfriend.  On this note, I was advised that making him wait too long can be an issue and also sexual compatability is an important thing.

They ask themselves if this woman can be their best friend and can they still be with this woman when looks fade

Their attention may go to the sexy dresser but their heart goes to the woman who can hold his attention through conversation and when his attention is nowhere near the body and all on a woman’s beautiful face

A woman who backs a man up and supports him in his career and drive to produce results

This one had to come up – they love it when a woman can cook

She makes him want to step up in life and be a better man

They sometimes don’t have an explanation, they just know