Valentines Day...

I want to start by saying that Valentine’s Day in my view is a lovely and special day... it can however bring with it a harsh reality for some. This is not so much about what other people do or don’t do for us on this significant day but more about what we often do to ourselves. It can be a lovely and special day regardless...
 

What about me? It isn’t fair...

In the lead up to Valentine’s Day I can see the dread in some of my friend’s faces, hear it in their words and feel their pain and most definitely find myself experiencing it too. What is it about this day that makes some feel that way on a day meant as a special and romantic occasion? Why is so much weight placed on a day that originally was named after three St Valentines who had no interest in romance at all? In the Middle Ages it became a day dedicated to declaring love, writing love letters and sending romantic tokens with the donated name of St Valentine based on the day birds paired off. Quite a lovely concept I believe and you would think it would be a happy day in the lives of all right? Unfortunately not! Over time this day has evolved from what once was an optional romantic expression between lovers, and although it definitely still can be, in a lot of ways it has become a day of global commercialism, expectation, compulsory giving and for some it is one of the most lonely and depressing days of the year. I believe it can affect men and women but especially women as it most certainly can bring up thoughts of invalidation for being single or dissapointment for unfulfilled expectations. The sad truth is that it can leave feelings of deflation, rejection and emptiness at the end of the day if you didn’t receive flowers, a card or even some anonymous expression of interest. A day that could be very special can often end up being a day that ends in a spiral of darkness. Don’t get me wrong, I love Valentine’s Day and I think it is a wonderful day where people across the globe express themselves in a way they may not otherwise do so. Many extraordinary relationships have been ignited or re-ignited on this significant day of the year especially dedicated to making people feel wanted and special. The point I am making is that although this day is meant to be a celebration of the one thing most people live for, it is also a day that can be rife with disappointment.

Stay with me, there is a happy ending to the fairytale...

The thing about a day like Valentine’s Day is that it only means what you make it mean and it is your expectations that will make or break this day for you. Sometimes in life it can feel like nobody cares, you are all alone and you may wonder what the point is if it is so hard at times, especially times like Valentine’s Day. I know I sometimes feel this way and it can be suffocating and bring up emotions and sadness that you wish would go back to where they came from... suppressed deeply in your subconscious. You are only human and acknowledging your emotions can be the thing that sets you free from them. So what is this sadness really based on? Of course there is the very basic human need for love and connection that makes you feel validated and often gives you a sense of purpose. However, I will have it a guess that for most women it is an overwhelming sense of unfulfilled expectation. It is likely to be due to the fact that their life may not look the way they thought it might at this stage or this particular day doesn’t quite go the way ‘they’ had planned out or had hoped for in their minds. I am not only speaking to the single ladies here...Let’s face it; there are just as many disappointed women in relationships on Valentine’s Day as single ladies and it's most often not the man's fault. Where does this disappointment originate do you think? Maybe it is in the belief that the bigger and more expensive the bunch of red roses, teddy bear, romantic dinner and presents the more you are loved? Is it that the more you are spoilt, the more you must mean to your partner? Or if he guesses EXACTLY what you want him to give; he must really be completely head over heels for you? I think these are all wonderful things to want and I can imagine there are few women out there who wouldn’t feel completely adored by being showered with all of these things. I most certainly wouldn’t complain that’s for sure but does all that mean you are loved? Or does receiving something small that’s not exactly what you expected or nothing at all mean that you are not loved?....I have to note at this point I am wondering how the guys out there must cope dealing with the pressures of Valentine’s Day and how much they must sweat of over dodging failure. It most certainly goes both ways but sometimes we forget to empathise and step into someone else's shoes for a moment...

Every story has morals...

The moral of the story here is that I believe having expectations can be a very positive thing but uncommunicated expectations and basing your self worth, validity and whether or not you are loved on a particular day and external factors can be recipe for overwhelming disappointment. I’m sure it’s not like this for all women, but I feel social conditioning may have shifted the meaning of the international day of true love toward an international day of proving love. This has nothing to do with what you do or don’t receive, it has everything to do with gratitude for the real person behind the giving and receiving... the only person who needs to prove love to you is you. All the admirers or gifts in the world can never replace the biggest gift of all, loving yourself regardless of your external circumstances and seeing and being seen for the S.O.U.L (Spirit Of Unconditional Love) you and others really are!!!

“Trade your expectation for appreciation and your world changes instantly” Anthony Robbins

With a shift in perspective and focus away from what you think may be missing in your life toward an attitude of gratitude for what you do have and all the love and connection you are receiving already you give yourself the biggest blessing ever... reprieve from the expectations you place upon yourself. Looking around you and seeing things differently can be difficult at times but with practice it is possible to have blissful moments where the importance of material things and your relationship status becomes irrelevant. What is relevant is the journey rather than the destination and the willingness to accept that each day is what you make it. I am not saying to delude yourself or pretend thoughts, feelings and emotions aren’t there, real or relevant; what I am suggesting is that as difficult as it can be, do not succumb to the false belief that your situation in life and one day of the year means anything about who you are, the life you lead and the impact you are having on others. Valentine’s Day is just another day and all of the pressure people place upon themselves and others can be the very thing that dampens the experience, blinds them to the potential for joy and can even be a barrier to possibilities. Be grateful for what you have now and be humble in your outlook with a focus on ‘giving and receiving’ rather than ‘getting’. The simple things are often the most precious things and all the rest is frosting on the cake in the amount and flavour that you also deserve. Dr John De Martini says “What you thank about, you bring about”.

“If love is universal, no one can be left out” Deepak Chopra

It can be difficult at this time of year to feel like you aren’t missing something or receiving what you need. There is no such thing as being immune to moments of sadness, depression, loneliness or unfulfilled expectation but you can shift your perspective and change the meaning to help you cope if need be. Regardless of how you feel, it is possible to change the meaning you place upon a situation for no other purpose but to bring more gratitude and grace into your life and the lives of those around you, especially on difficult days. Each individual person is assessing, judging and placing meaning on things consciously and subconsciously at any given moment having an impact on the outcome of each situation. You are in charge of your thoughts, feelings and emotions and although it may not seem that way, you have control over the meaning you place on a particular day, your relationship status, whether you feel disappointment or gratitude and ultimately your view on what being loved really means. It may be completely different for every individual on the planet but a wise man once told me that “love is omni potent and omni present” meaning that love is everywhere and is here now. It means that it does not go anywhere and nobody gives it to you or can take it away. It means love includes the good times and bad times and that even when you think you are not loved, you most certainly are. Is this true, right or real? I really don’t know. Do I do it all the time? Most definitely not but there are times where believing it really helps. So if you feel like you are left out of the love game, think again... you have all the love you need within you now.

Happy Valentine’s Day... whatever the outcome, make it mean something great!