Gossip Girls...

“When the voice and vision on the inside are more clear, profound and loud than the opinions on the outside, you are mastering your life” Dr John De Martini

 

I have recently learned a very valuable life lesson... people will gossip!! I don’t by any means say this to be negative; I say this so we can free ourselves of disappointment if it happens and attempt to put a new spin on what gossip really could be about. As always I will say, this is purely a point of view and may not be true for everyone but it is an insight that I hope provides some relief from the gossip monster!  I have always taken pride in doing my best not to be a gossip girl but let’s face it... we all have done it and probably will do it again in our lives but I personally most certainly make it my intention to act from love at all times! I am however left to wonder what gossip really means and whether it is really a big deal? I know some women completely don’t care what others say about them, some pretend they don’t care and others take everything personally. I find I can be all of those types of women at certain times and my reaction simply is based upon varying factors. These factors include whether or not what I am being gossiped or berated about is important to me or not and what my personal expectation of a situation may have been. It can be a nice thought to think we could go about life and every single person we meet likes us but you and I both know that is not realistic. It is how we handle situations when we are gossiped about or disliked and are being gossips that I believe truly is the important point here! And it is a natural part of life that when there is no emotional charge on something, it tends to dissolve and is less likely to occur...stay with me on this one, you will see that it’s never as bad as it seems!!!

 

“Mirror mirror on the wall”

 

In life, judgements are made usually based on our values, belief systems and what we are conditioned to think is right or wrong and good or bad - often also based on society’s expectations. We are all looking at the world through internal filters of past memories, experiences and are constantly assimilating situations and ascribing meaning. We walk around labelling people and events either positively or negatively based on our own unique view of the world and this view is generally what determines our outcomes and results in life or lack thereof. The point here is it is a common belief (which I agree with) that the world will only be as we perceive it and it purely is a mirror reflecting back to us the things we like and don’t like about ourselves. That any feelings of inadequacy or thinking we are above or below others is simply a construct of the mind. That any time we look at someone and think they have something we don't have, can do something we think we can't do or be a certain way we think we can't be - this is truly only in the mind and blocks us from being that very thing! What if you were to consider for a moment that a resistance to people who do that which you deep down want, could be the very thing that is standing in your way of achieving it? What if the person you gossip about and you are choosing to feel envious, jealous, lacking of something or inadequate about is the very person who can inspire, teach and encourage you to be what you truly dream of being? I say this to encourage an element of responsibility for your behaviour, judgement and opinions when being gossiped about and especially in the case of being a gossip girl. Consider taking responsibility for the impact YOUR WORDS are actually having on YOU as well as others!! If the entire world is a mirror, what is it that you truly would like to be looking at and focusing on? There are an infinite number of possible opinions you could choose to focus on... rather than an all negative or all positive view, how about considering a balanced view. One that has you accept others as they uniquely are that grounds you in reality and allows you to live with pure love and inspiration.  What about one that doesn’t put people above you on unobtainable pedestals or below you in a pit of rejection or resistance.  Nobody is better or worse than another, we are all simply uniquely different living our own true values and aspirations!!  Who are we to say what is the right or wrong way to be? 

 

“Birds of a feather flock together and wolves hunt in packs”

 

This may be a little intense or confronting but also leading to a balanced and empowered place so hang in there as I am sure we can all relate at some point in our lives, possibly from both sides  – the gossiper and the gossipee! Let’s begin with this - It is a common basic concept of human behaviour that we hang out with those who support our values and often reject those who don’t support our values. In the context of what we are discussing, inspired people will often seek out other inspired people and grow and learn together. Negative gossipy people will often seek out other negative gossipy people who validate their opinion and feed the need to be right about someone. Unfortunately, often when women are threatened the claws come out and they get down and dirty about all the juicy goss on others regardless of consequences. This then causes a common dislike of someone or something to form an alliance resulting in chinese whispers, magnified opinions, deforming the character of others and becoming a mean and nasty pack of she wolves! This pack gets about recruiting followers while devouring and tearing to shreds anything and anyone who appears to be intimidating in any way, shape or form. Femininity is lost in unhealthy jealousy. Now, who is to say this behaviour is right or wrong? And who is to say that in the natural balance of life that pack mentality doesn’t serve a purpose – of course it does on many levels but at the end of the day, it is what we project to the world that creates our own personal character reference to others around us that can count! People also judge, avoid and gossip about those who are gossips!  If you are a habitual gossiper, it’s up to you to decide if you are comfortable with the turmoil, negative thoughts and energy in your own internal world or if you want to break free and become inspired and an inspiring leader. By no means is anyone ever absolutely perfect... welcome to being human. Life brings us challenges to learn and grow and there will be times we catch ourselves spiralling into normal drama or moments tarnishing our own character reference.  Do you want to be known as someone who drags others down or inspires and lifts others up?  The key is to surround yourself with people who hold you to a higher standard, who will confront you if you are being a bitch and understand that sometimes the bitch in us all must raise her ugly head so we can see what is truly going on inside of us! If you feel the natural human traits of jealousy, competitiveness or intimidation, harness those thoughts, feelings and emotions and turn them into something constructive – maybe going out and achieving that which you may happen to be jealous of?? Just a thought??

 

“Loose lips may attempt to sink ships.. but you are the Captain of your own vessel"

 

Often if we are gossiped about it can seem like the sky is falling, the entire world is closing in and like everybody hates us! That’s the inner victim that when not harnessed can lead to profound drama, turmoil and loads of wasted energy. We all do it I am sure, I know I catch myself falling into the abyss of self pity at moments in my life and I have no doubt we will do it again at times but I always aim to learn from it, haul myself out and remember this – if it is true that the world is a mirror and people are only projecting their own ‘stuff’ into it, does gossip really matter and does it really mean anything about us? Consider that someone gossiping about you may merely be their own character reference to the world and be saying more about their current level of self worth and self esteem than meets the eye. We have no idea what has occurred in their lives to date or what happened to them today that had them personalise something you said or did. Without asking them there is no real way of knowing what deep self esteem issues, insecurities or pain they may be experiencing based on something you resemble or are mirroring back to them. And let’s face it; someone may also simply be happy being a bitch! Have that in your world or don’t – your choice! You are in charge of your life, therefore your results.  Every moment or person that drags you down is your teacher showing you something about yourself.  Don't dwell on it, simply love it and choose if you want that person or people in your life or not - and act upon that decision. 

 

“Be different - True Tall Poppies help sprout, nourish and grow other Tall Poppies to stand tall with them”

 

Often gossip can also be a power struggle and a way of attempting to undermine people, ruin reputations and defame the character of people who are perceived as successful, standing out in the crowd or different. These people can otherwise be known as Tall Poppies. Society can often attempt to tear down these shining lights and blossoming examples of possibility for many reasons and often people live in fear of stepping up, going after their dreams or achieving above those around them because of it.  When you are different people will ask or even demand you change to make them feel better, only ever transform for yourself and what that does to inspire others.  I say be who you truly are and go out and shine your light as brightly as you know you want to while not letting anyone or anything stand in your way!! It is inevitable people will say things about us, but if I could impart one piece of valuable information it is this - regardless of how you feel, there is a lesson in everything that is showing you the way to your destiny.  There is a gift in every situation whether positive or negative that is contributing to the magnificent, beautiful, amazing person you are!   We have a choice of whether to listen to other people’s opinions and hold ourselves back or learn from them and choose our own path, live by our own values, create our own destiny and become a Tall Poppy who helps sprout, nourish and grow other Tall Poppies to stand tall with us! We all have opinions that are relevant and it is a given that some people will confront us, challenge us and push us but consider what their intention is?  Some will try to drag us down, others will inspire us to new paradigms in life... each is perfect as we have the gift of insight and as our commitment to our path is tested (which it will be) it is who you are in the dark times and the light times that truly counts!  It is the people who stand by you in your failures and successes that truly matter!  And it is the ones who see more in you than you see in yourself that will inspire your greatest gifts to flourish from within and push you to be able to achieve the things in life you truly deserve!  Let’s learn from other people’s opinions but always focus on the most important opinions of all – the opinions we have of ourselves!!!

 

 

 

Men & Rejection...

In talking with a couple of my single girlfriends who are independent, gorgeous looking, beautiful on the inside, inspired to achieve and are self sufficient -  it became apparent to me some of these women are feeling dejected and like there is something wrong with them for being single and being dumped or rejected by guys for just being themselves.  I notice that often women, me included at times tend to make a guy not being into us or ready for a relationship mean so much about who we are, what we did or didn’t do and sometimes think we are the ones who need to change because of it.  I have come to realise that if a guy is into you he will make sure you know about it and will do something about it.  If he isn’t then his actions or non actions will speak louder than words giving you a clear indication of where he is really at.  The question is... what does a guy not being into you really mean?  Does it mean you are - Too short? Too tall? Too fat? Too skinny? Too self expressed?  You have the wrong colour hair?  You are too independent?  You are too powerful?  You said or did the wrong thing?  You aren’t pretty enough?  Then this happens - you decide that you really need to change who you are because you have a string of rejections therefore there clearly must be something wrong with you right?  STOP IT LADIES!!!! – You are perfect as you are and there are men out there who love exactly what you have to offer! 

“When you let go of what you are holding on to, you make space for what

wants to hold on to you”

If a relationship is what you truly want then let go of the ones who aren’t into you and create some space for the ones who are!  The ones you let go of may come back but by holding on to something that just isn’t there right now is delusional, draining of your energy and consumes time and space in your mind and day that you could be using to focus on what inspires you!!  So many women (I have done this too) go a little crazy thinking they can change a guy’s mind with thoughts such as “if only he could see how fabulous I am” or make excuses for him “he will come around, he’s just going through a tough time”.  This may all be completely correct and true and by all means I am not saying you shouldn’t be empathetic and supportive.  I am asking you if by clinging to hope, are you truly serving yourself?  Will this get you to where you want to be in life?  And what opportunities are you missing by feeling down and miserable over something that clearly isn’t happening right now?  I am not talking solely about relationship opportunities, I am asking you what could you be doing with yourself and your mind with the time and energy you spend fantasising and hypothesising about what is going on for him, what he might be thinking or what could have been.  I say let go of the straws you are grasping at that at the end of the day is often a desperate attempt to avoid the feelings that come with being rejected.  Things may or may not work out with this guy but clinging to hope chips away at your self esteem, dampens your sense of self worth, makes you do and say crazy things, makes you become needy, consumes time with your girlfriends cycling through drama when you could be filling that space with people, things and opportunities that are empowering and light you up!  Let go of what you are doing to youself that holds you back and surround yourself with possibilities that want you as much as you want them!

“Reality bites but delusion bites harder and for a lot longer”

As difficult as it can be when you are avoiding pain with over positive thinking, avoiding reality and crazy thoughts while clinging to a fairytale ending it is so important you get into the moment and as much as it can hurt, embrace reality and focus on what is going on NOW!! Ask yourself if dwelling on “What should have, could have, would have been” and making things mean stuff about you is really serving you.  A positive outlook and optimism will get you everywhere but disassociation from reality will bring you constant challenges over and over again until you get the point and learn the lesson that has been delivered to you on a silver platter.  You may have to grieve for the shattering of an ideal, you may feel the pain of loss and the reality that a guy simply isn’t into you now and may never be can be a massive blow to the self esteem.  Forget about the fantasy that makes you wonder whether or not the guy you may struggle to let go of will one day wake up and decide he wants to be with you.  He may or may not!  I say forget about wasting your time fantasising over the fairytale moment in your head that he will one day decide that you are ‘the one’ for him.  We cannot make someone love us back and who wants to spend their life trying to convince someone they want to be with you and love you?  If it aint there now, it may never be... let's get real.  Is it him you are wanting or the reassurance that you are lovable and for him to come back would mean you don't have to feel rejected or unlovabe anymore.? Always know you can create that freedom and those feelings on your own!!  He might just turn around and declare his commitment to you and he might not but isn't your time better spent constructively than self destructively?  Why not get on with your own life and empower yourself with the things that are meaningful to you.   Whatever the outcome, clinging to hope will not make any difference and will consume your valuable time and space that could be channelled into productivity, your inspired goals and moving forward with your life! 

“The Chaos Theory”

If you are single and finding you are constantly having drama, chaos and challenges in the relationship and dating department then I challenge you to consider whether or not a relationship TRULY is something you are deep down wanting right now.  When we fill our lives with low priorities, conformity, pretzel ourselves to fit with society’s and other people’s expectations trying to force ourselves to be someone or do something that is not high on our values or truly important to us it will attract chaos, drama and constant challenges.  However when you are doing what is high on your values and important to you things become orderly, flow and you are inspired, unattached and have an inner sense of certainty.  I spent years deluding myself that a relationship was something that was important to me and especially when I reached the upper end of my 30’s I started to freak out thinking I had missed the boat and it was all over.   I became clingy, needy, attached and made rejection mean the end of the world and that I was completely unlovable.  I honestly had to stop myself and evaluate my reactions to situations, the meaning I placed on things and with a stack of other personal grief and loss bubbling away in the background - I had to shift my focus from thinking I had a life full of loss and rejection and going down the path of 'crazy chick' toward seeing the blessings, acknowledging the pain and giving the entire situation an empowering meaning. 

"Where there is chaos, there is order"

In doing a lot of soul searching to establish my true and authentic values, it became evident that relationship wasn’t currently even on my values at all and my life was clearly displaying symptoms of a woman who was bending herself, trying to conform to society’s expectations and force a relationship to happen causing craziness, chaos and creating a string of disappointments and making the rejection and my being single mean there clearly was something wrong with me.   My life was and currently is displaying to me that being single is presently high on my values as it gives me the time, space and energy to continue to do the things that inspire me right now.  By letting go of my attachment to having a man, I experienced a sense of freedom that I can just get on with my life.  Things became more orderly and the energy I was spending on chaos, drama and attachment is now being spent on physical training, writing, creating multiple streams of income, educating myself and continuing to take action toward my mission and living my destiny.  There will be new challenges come my way as that is what life does but when we are on path, living our highest values and focused on our mission these challenges become blessings that are the fuel that feeds our desire.  They are not so consuming and rather than craziness and chaos there is order and flow.  Always remember that values shift and change over time and just because relationship isn’t high on them for me now, it could very well appear in my values at the perfect time when I am able to see how having a relationship supports my highest values. Where there is chaos there is order and everything happens for a reason.  I encourage you to find your balance, define your true values and use that awareness to establish where you are at in the relationship department. If it's not important to you, free yourself to live your true destiny and if it is important to you then I encourage you to get out there in a powerful way!!

“What is meant to be will always find it's way”

When you are living by your true values and inspired in your day to day life you are more attractive – meaning you attract the things that are truly important to you and support you in fulfilling your destiny.  Whether this is a relationship or another inspired goal, it is all perfect.  Why not be your fabulous, vivacious self while going about life in a contagious inspired way knowing that when the time is right, everything you want with focus, determination, resilience and some hard work will fall in your lap – only when you let go of attachment to the person, form it comes in and way it will occur!  Create a clearing in your life for all the things you want and the perfect people will come along for a reason, season or lifetime to challenge and support you to grow into whoever it is you are destined to be.  Rejection is real, it can be painful and can cause us to question ourselves – what a fabulous opportunity to ask yourself the right questions so you can re-align with what is important to you and go out and make that happen.  Wherever it seems someone is rejecting you, there is always someone or many people who are accepting and supporting you!  Be grateful for every experience and by loving yourself first and living your own true inspired destiny the things that once seemed painful quickly become a blessing!!  Love yourself now regardless of your situation or what has occurred while looking forward toward your dreams.  Always remember on the journey that you are divinely perfect and a magnificent woman just the way you are!!  Let go and allow what is meant to be into your life - whatever that truly is for you!!

 

Men and Sex...

Let’s face it ladies, this can be a very challenging and confusing topic for us... especially those who are single and dating.  This may not be true for everyone and by no means is this about what is right or wrong in terms of sex but in general, I feel at some point, most of us have experienced drama in some way, shape or form.  Recently I made it my mission to gain a greater understanding not so much of what men are thinking this time, but what actually occurs for us as women when broaching and dealing with the topic of sex. I researched high and low to find out why things get weird; we do and say things that are out of character and why it can be so hard to regain balance after taking things to the next level with a guy.  I think it is safe to say that in general, men and women have a different approach and way of dealing with it but the key thing that stood out to me is the biological affect sex has on women and how this then in turn can affect our psychology.  In gaining insight, I also gained a great deal of freedom and clarity around behaviours, why things were ending up the way they were and how to potentially approach things moving forward into the future.  Have you ever wondered why things often get weird or complicated after you ‘get it on’ with a guy?  Maybe you were friends and one thing led to another or you were dating and took it to the next level ending in awkwardness, tears and wondering what the heck just happened and why you went from the cool chick to someone you don’t even really know yourself?  Have you wondered what the driving force is of the overwhelming expectations you can’t help but have after connecting on an intimate level?  You can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing you are not alone and there is actually a scientific answer to what actually is occurring and there is something you can do about it.

“Love and Sex”

In this case, I haven’t spoken much about this with guys of late but one thing I have noticed is that guys will often be able to have sex, just get on with things and not worry too much about consequences and I am sure they wonder what the heck happened to the cool chick he met once the line is crossed.  To him, it may be no big deal, a logical step to take since there is attraction and we all have needs but to us women, it’s time we got real with the fact that not always but most often, we are unable to have sex without becoming attached in some way shape for form.  This is definitely a combination of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and past experiences but it is also affected by hormones called oxytocins which are feel good hormones, produced in women as a result of sex and particularly orgasm that causes dopamine and serotonin to be released.  These are all things that are essential to day to day life and feeling good but are addictive and often behind fantasies, delusions and an inability to connect with reality.  The thing about women is that once these hormones are released there is often a rush of emotion, heightened sensitivity and the natural subconscious reaction (regardless if you want children or not) to cling to that man as the genetic makeup of women and ultimate purpose of sex is to pro-create therefore, even if using contraception the woman can cling to the person potentially fertilising her follicles.  It is an inbuilt biological pattern deeply ingrained in women that stems back to the dawn of man and woman.  Thus leading women to feel attached to a man for approximately 2 – 3 weeks until the oxytocins wear off or until she knows she isn’t pregnant.  Often women mistake this overwhelming emotion, attachment and intense feelings with love.  By all means it may be a combination of love and nature at play but the moral of the story is that there is a likely chance that taking things to the next level with a guy not always but most often can cause this attachment.  This doesn’t by any means insinuate that you shouldn’t do it or you can’t have a situation that you want with a guy whether it be a one night stand, friends with benefits, taking a relationship to the next level or in a committed relationship. What I am saying is that be aware that it is possible you will become attached for a few weeks at least.  It is my hope that this gives you knowledge and empowerment to be able to better deal with your reaction, choose a man who can handle it, know you are only human and that it will wear off.  But remember that the attachment starts all over again the moment you have sex again.  So get to know what your hormonal instinctive reaction is and what love is for you so you can be more discerning and in charge of your emotions and behaviours.  The connection to love and sex for women can be very strong and we all know that the cool chick is always ok with things until things don’t go to plan and those oxytocins combined with past hurt and pain turns things sour.  By all means, there is nothing wrong with becoming attached but the thing to consider is... are you attaching yourself to a guy who wants you to be attached to him?  Can he handle it, provide you what you need and be willing to work through the effects sex has on a woman physically and psychologically. This leads me to discussing making wise choices and communicating your needs...

“Feeling used and abused is not the man’s fault”

I think I am safe in saying that one of a woman’s greatest fears is feeling like she has been used by a man for sex thus leading to magnifying the post sex reaction and sometimes a hate and mistrust of men.  By all means, there are men out there who use women for sex and vice versa women who use men for sex and have mastered the art of managing the emotions associated with it or have sex and run to avoid the drama.  However, when being cared about and loved is a vital aspect of intimacy for you, yet you confuse just sex with romantic love you set yourself up for a lot of pain and hurt.  It can be very easy to think that by having sex with a guy, he will eventually want you and that he is or one day will be ready to commit to you.  Let’s face it, we most often live in hope that one day it will turn out to be our fairytale and regardless of what he said he wanted up front, we often think we can make him like us in the end.  Due to our natural reaction to sex, genetic makeup and hormones produced we can often confuse the simple act with commitment and a sign he might like us (which he may well do) yet are left wondering what to do when we find out that to him it is literally no big deal... it’s just sex!!  We can forget that men and women often assume the opposite sex are thinking the same, and that even a verbal agreement would be enough to prevent a post sex disaster but without both parties having some insight into what they are dealing with many great connections are ruined or lost in the process.   It may not be so much that the guy was using you for sex, more that he was unable to cope with what came after in terms of expectation, awkwardness and confusion.  The feeling of being used by a man (whether he meant to make you feel that way or not) can eat away at our self esteem, self worth and ability to feel safe with the opposite sex who at the end of the day, deep down we often crave to protect us and provide us a feeling of security.  There is no power in pointing the finger at men for unfulfilled expectations (if they outright lied then by all means deal with it however you deem necessary) but there is power in understanding yourself, what you are capable of dealing with and if you want to take things to the next level with someone, make sure you are both on the same page, he can provide what you need afterwards to ensure you feel respected and appreciated.  If you need there to be a relationship before sex, then be honest with yourself and stick with that.  If you want casual but struggle with attachment, find a man who can communicate with you in the way you need and provide what you need to ensure you don’t feel used, are reassured that you are respected.  Be clear in yourself regarding the reality of what it actually is.  If you know you are incapable of handling the chemical and psychological reaction you have, then consider what your needs really are before rushing in to a situation that you know will throw you off balance.  Protect yourself while living by your true values and what is most important to you.  Sex will not get you love in the traditional sense and every situation is an opportunity to grow and learn so there are no mistakes...

“Respect yourself”

I am going to go against the grain of a lot of opinions out there that say having sex with guys casually or outside of a relationship is a form of disrespecting yourself... Instead I say that sex or no sex means stuff all in your level of self respect.  If your values say that you must be in a relationship and you feel disrespected at times you have sex outside of a relationship then you have the power to be aware of that and ensure you live as best you can within your true values and interact with men who want the same thing. If you need marriage before sex then that is what you need and find guys who want that too.   If respecting yourself is being able to have a casual thing with a guy and be ok with that and it’s in your values to do that then by all means go for it I say but choose wisely who you get busy with!   In my mind, respecting yourself is knowing what your true values and needs are, living by that regardless of external opinion and dating rule books while understanding and being self aware of the way you react after intimacy.  Be willing to remove people from your life who don’t match the values you need to know you are respected and safe.  Say goodbye to those who are not willing to work through the natural reactions you might have or judge you for being a true woman at times, even if you are behaving like an over the top feminine crazy chick.  Know that you can do whatever you choose, be powerful in your interactions before, during and after but it may take some practice and messing things up a few times to get it right. Do not fall into the trap of being one of those women who go around pointing the finger at men and calling them users (unless you know for a fact they are) but be a woman who takes charge of her reactions and life.  Know what you are capable of handling, live and learn from the past and love and appreciate every person who has given you the gift of growth and experience to make you who you are today. 

Where there is complication there is simplicity simultaneously...

Friendship & Love...

Faith in Destiny..

 

Sometimes in life it is easy to think that true friendship and love should look a certain way, take a certain amount of time to develop and there must be particular things that occur before a connection can be labelled friendship or love.  But I find myself remembering the innocence of youth where I would listen to the inner feelings and knowing that sometimes in life there are people who for no explanation at all, within an instant we simply deeply care for and know they are meant to be in our lives.  It is not about words, behaviour or a verbal agreement that is made... It is about a deep sense of knowing that is based on complete acceptance and no attachment or expectation that words could not describe.  It just is!

 

As a young child we embraced this certainty in a moment of decisiveness that forges instant best friends and lasting bonds that leave an imprint of memories in our minds and a warm glow in our hearts.  Our purity, connection to the intuitive soul and fearless ability to love and accept puts a whole new perspective on the term ‘love like you have never been hurt’. 

 

Children fight, argue and disagree over many things but somehow have an innate ability to forgive and forget.  They confidently express their true emotions while within an instant gracefully moving from laughter, to tears then to a vivacious state of playfulness in the everyday flow of life.  This is simply considered normal.  They naturally trust in the universal order while living in the moment, never questioning their deep feelings for people and the world.  There is a genuine inner set point of contentment and happiness they easily revert back to that regardless of the situation, always supersedes drama, setbacks and unfulfilled expectations.  It is like there truly is nothing missing and you are invincible... you just know you are loved, it is a given!

 

As time goes by, things occur and there are setbacks in life that start to dampen the inner glow of the heart.  Trust in love at first sight, wearing your heart on your sleeve, deep knowing and intuition has caused you to be vulnerable, get hurt and at times suffer deep feelings of pain and loss.   We begin to become aware of the harsh reality of life that involves accumulated past trauma, broken hearts or what can be the most painful of all... losing loved ones through death.  In a desperate attempt to avoid this pain again, we begin to wrap our hearts in iron and steel to protect from future let downs or loss.  We try to cover our pain and just get on with things, slowly shifting the childlike inner set point of contentment and happiness to one of rejection, hurt, resentment, revenge, blame and disconnection or sometimes even ice cold nothingness.  Intuition, love at first sight and serendipity become a thing of the past and are masked by  self fulfilling prophecies, a need for control and a keeping of people at arm’s length just in case they were to leave, betray your trust or die. 

 

We begin to make people jump through hoops before we allow them into our lives, we push people away when they love or care about us or we avoid opportunities for fear of failing and messing it all up again.  Instant connection, intuition and trust can be seen as something to be feared rather than being a gift from the universe and a blessing that destiny has to offer.  The heart that was worn on the sleeve is now behind lock and key only to be opened to those who can stick around long enough and pass the almost impossible tests of the scarred gate keeper. 

 

Self expression becomes self monitoring and analysing due to thoughts that we may not be lovable or accepted if we say or do things that we have been shut down over or have caused drama or failure in the past.  We think we have to be a certain way and follow certain rules to be accepted or loved by another.  Playing hard to get drives a wedge between you, deep connection and makes you feel like nobody ever ‘gets’ you. 

 

The inner child deep inside is screaming out to be released and be able to come back out to play.  The inner craving and deep desire for love and connection from friends, family and romantic partners although suppressed at times, is the driving force of the human race and gives us a sense of validity and purpose.  No matter how hard we try to hide from it, the innocent child is still very much alive and part of who we are and our connection to the divine order was never lost.  The desire to express one’s self as we truly are and still be loved and accepted is innate in all of us.  Our past, present and future cannot be changed and is part of the sum total of the magnificent person you are.  Guarding your heart serves a purpose and those who truly care about you will have patience, persistence and be faced with their own challenges finding the key but always know that your unlocking is also part of their unlocking.  Everything happens for a reason and no matter how the situation seems, every connections is showing us something about ourselves.  We see things not as they are but as we are!

 

In growth and learning, we are often somewhat like an artichoke.  The artichoke starts out as a seed.  A soft little bud forms and as each layer grows it gets tougher and tougher to protect the inner layers.  Then comes along people who really love artichokes and are willing to peel away the hard layers and do what it takes to get to the softness on the inside.  The outside layers can be quite tough but they have the patience to peel away the layers one at a time, sometimes they try to force it, other times they are gentle but their persistence pays off eventually revealing the beautiful soft inner layers of who you really are.  Peeling away the layers to reveal the softness of one’s soul can be confronting and challenging but also worth it.  Your true friends, no matter how confronting, will stand by you, learning their own lessons and working through their own layers simultaneously revealing at times ugliness and other times beauty.  While always knowing this balance is the key to true friendship and love. That perfection is in appreciating the full spectrum of another person’s experience without judgement but with compassion and understanding. 

 

The people who deserve you are the ones who stick around no matter how hard you make them work or how long you make them wait... and those who love you will do all that and are also most likely the most impatient because the inner child that trusts and loves instantly knows on a soul level you are part of their destiny.  And making destiny wait and withholding love can be excruciating!  But these people will endure regardless...

 

Some people will come into our lives for a reason leaving their mark, giving us a lesson and then they will move on; some will come into our lives for a season preparing us and teaching each other to be the kind of people we need to be for those who come into our experience for a lifetime.  Let’s not be attached to how things look but be in touch with what we deep down inside truly, without question know!  Have faith in the inner child, love at first sight and trust in the divine order, your intuition and the beautiful concept of destiny!

You just read this for a reason...

With Love

Anna xx

What Men Want...

Recently I decided to do a simple survey with my male friends to find out what makes them tick in terms of attraction to women, what turns them off and how they determine which women are purely someone they would sleep with or one that is relationship material. In doing this, there was a resounding moment of clarity where I realised (which really shouldn’t be a surprise) that they are all uniquely different in the way they answered the questions. They are all attracted to different traits, turned off by varying behaviour and there is no conclusive evidence regarding whether or not sex on the first date is a deal breaker (although most agree strongly it is) or that making them wait will get you what you want in terms of a relationship. There most certainly were some common themes in their responses and the thing that is most evident... they were all extremely clear, certain and unwavering with their answers. See the bottom of this article for the summary of the feedback I received. I suspect that men tend to be clear on what they want and don’t want. This leads me to a point I often think about and it is this... is all the angst, worry, analysing and meaning making women often do that leads to game playing just happen to be a waste of time? I am almost certain that deep down all women know that and most likely crave being loved and accepted for exactly who they are most naturally while being fed up with being told they are doing the wrong thing, not playing the game or thinking there is something wrong with them.  With all the books, seminars and movies about dating and relating you would think that we would have it worked out by now but I am realising that it has nothing to do with strategy and game playing, it has everything to do with individual values, beliefs, needs and expectations. It is about having your own standards that men can live up to, communicating your needs, boundaries and values clearly and just keep on going until the man who matches this, where you are equally into each other comes along.

“What's your favourite flavour of ice-cream?”

 

Dating and relating is somewhat like choosing your favourite flavour of ice-cream and it’s very easy to acknowledge that one person likes chocolate, another likes strawberry and someone else may like vanilla. There is no right or wrong flavour and we freely accept that if we are offering strawberry flavour to someone who loves chocolate they simply aren’t going to settle for that. They may try strawberry or vanilla in the beginning to see if they like it and even accept one of those flavours for a little while but will keep noticing chocolate until finally they give up settling for another flavour and go out and get their preferred flavour. It’s not always like that though, some people outright know in every part of them that they are a chocolate lover and won’t even contemplate settling for any other flavour no matter how long they have to wait to find that chocolate. Or others are indecisive about their favourite flavour changing their mind constantly leading to confusion, missing opportunities to experience a fabulous flavour or often ending up with no ice-cream at all. Others may already have their flavour and are working at learning, growing, understanding and accepting so that their flavour doesn’t fade and their ice-cream doesn’t melt.  Deciding what type of man you want and what his values might be you set yourself up with a chance to really connect. It’s not about finding the same flavour as you; it’s about deciding which flavour you are willing to love, accept, understand and work at keeping forever...

“You are writing your own life story”

By all means the books, seminars and movies most certainly have relevance and different people will connect with different approaches that can really help them in the journey. The thing that I know will make me most happy and I believe other women may find this too, is to strip away all Hollywood fantasies, fairytale ideas, rule books and self help to reveal who you genuinely and truly are. Here you will discover what your true unique set of values, beliefs, boundaries and expectations are and be able to not only give yourself a chance to attract this, but also sustain it as it is based on your soul’s choice of partner rather than settling or one of flaky materialism. Once you know what you are genuinely seeking you are able to powerfully decide on an approach to dating and relating that fits with your core values enabling you to have clear boundaries of what you will or won’t accept. I believe it is important to implement your own approach and standards that you stick to and follow knowing that it is based on the real you and what you know will make you happy in the long term. You will hear your girlfriends and others tell you how things should look, what he should be doing or not doing when dating you or they will tell you what should or shouldn’t be your deal breakers. This is all based on their own values, experience and unique view of the world. Of course it is neither right or wrong, just different and not truly you unless you choose for it to be that way. Only you know what you are willing to accept and you will always know deep inside when it is time to dive in or get out. You may have to wait longer and you might need to have a few goes at it risking hurt, pain, rejection or failure but also in taking a risk you will find true love, deep connection and also a match on a behavioural and practical level. Adapting and changing yourself to get a man to want you will only end in tears while being yourself as best you can, sorting through them and focusing on what you deep down want gives you the chance to be with the person you are destined for. It will never be an all positive experience and you will have to face your deepest fears and at times have to be harsh and decisive about whom is good for you and who isn’t. Always remember there are no guarantees in life but you can always make the most of what you have at the time with an abundant attitude that has you remember the age old saying “There are always plenty of fish in the sea”. If you prefer salmon  why would you accept anything less or settle for a type of fish that is not your favourite?  It may take time, effort, patience and commitment to catch your preferred fish but it is always worth the wait.  Also, you will usually appreciate and value more that which you have chosen from your heart, soul and core values which you have worked for.

“Write your soul mate a love letter”

I find this a great way to get really clear on what you need from your future life partner and also practice communicating it. If you feel inspired, I highly recommend you sit down and write a love letter to your soul mate expressing everything you need him to provide, your perspective on marriage and children, what you value most in life, your communication style, your approach to finances, what you are willing to give him, what your favourite foods are, your dream date, travel destinations, good and bad habits and just as importantly what your deal breakers are that were he to do that you would have no option but to leave. Some deal breakers may include infidelity, addictions, abuse or whatever it is for you. Everyone has different levels they are willing to accept and varying thresholds before they will leave so be clear on what they are.  You may wish to simply keep it for yourself to refer back to or when you suspect your soul mate has come along and you are at a comfortable stage you may even wish to give it to this very lucky man to read. As difficult as it can be to lay your heart, soul and deepest desires on the table I believe it better to have clarity in the beginning rather than getting 5 years down the track in a state of revelation that you really are unable to provide what each other needs. Keep faith and never give up....

“Key themes the guys provided”

I sincerely appreciate the feedback my male friends so kindly provided. Their willingness to help is something to be admired and contributes to women in a significant way. Please understand these are not the be all and end all of what men think they are simply themes based on a small group of men which are extremely relevant and a summary of themes in their responses. The key themes that were evident in the survey are:

What do men find most attractive in women?

Confidence

Well maintained appearance and taking pride in herself but also comfortable in casual attire as well

Independence

Great personality and able to hold a conversation

Intelligence

Kind nature and nurturing

Sexy physically but also mentally

Waiting before having sex

Fun and can have a laugh

Natural beauty, lovely skin and beautiful smile

What are the biggest turn offs with women?

Looks mean nothing if there is no personality or if she speaks like bogan

Sleeping with men on the first date

Jealousy and playing games

Being clingy and needy

Giving guys an ultimatum

Trying to change a man

Annoying and interfereing friends

Bitchiness especially about other women

Vain, too much make up, fake and not being comfortable in her own skin

What is the key difference in identifying a woman who is purely a physical connection to one who is relationship material?

Sometimes a guy goes out simply with no intention of forging a relationship and is only looking for a one night stand. If he sleeps with you on the first night, usually (not absolutely but most often) he is not looking for a relationship

Guys are visual and physical features are what draws them in but the personality is what closes the deal in terms of whether or not she is relationship material

Women who flirt with a guy's friends or other guys are most likely categorised as not relationship material

A girl who has sex on the first date usually isn't considered relationship material but one who makes him wait is more likely to become the girlfriend.  On this note, I was advised that making him wait too long can be an issue and also sexual compatability is an important thing.

They ask themselves if this woman can be their best friend and can they still be with this woman when looks fade

Their attention may go to the sexy dresser but their heart goes to the woman who can hold his attention through conversation and when his attention is nowhere near the body and all on a woman’s beautiful face

A woman who backs a man up and supports him in his career and drive to produce results

This one had to come up – they love it when a woman can cook

She makes him want to step up in life and be a better man

They sometimes don’t have an explanation, they just know

 

The Art of Allowing...

A few years ago I attended a seminar in San Francisco called the Art of Allowing presented by Esther Hicks who is renowned for channelling the age old spiritual Teachings of Abraham.  For those who aren't familiar, the Art of Allowing is simply the process of allowing youreslf to attract and receive the things you want and dream about into your life.  For some it is simple and for others receiving can be a struggle and at this workshop it became apparent to me that allowing is a key aspect of femininity.   By no means am I an expert on the Teachings of Abraham, but I have noticed that although it can be perceived as quite a spiritual approach to manifesting your dreams which I really love, there is clearly also a practical side.  Always remember that allowing in the new takes letting go of the things you are hanging on to and making space in your life for what you truly deserve.  Oprah said it like this “If you want new clothes in your wardrobe, clear out the old ones that no longer serve you and make the space for the new ones”.

“Allowing starts with balanced thoughts, feelings and emotions”

The Art of Allowing starts with balancing your thoughts feelings and emotions to accept your current situation and embarking on the lifelong balancing act and journey of letting of the past to create the space for new possibilities.  Do you find that you seem to be doing all the right things in terms of positive thinking yet you just can’t seem to reach that happy place?  Do you notice that no matter how hard you try to push aside the negative thoughts and emotions you still sometimes end up in states of depression, anger or frustration?  Welcome to the real world and you are most certainly not alone.  Escaping in your mind to a happy place has its purpose, and this is not about discounting positive thinking; it is about accepting there are positive and negative traits in life.  It is about beginning to acknowledge your true thoughts, feelings and emotions to help you love yourself and others wholly while finding a balance. I feel the biggest mistake people make in the positive thinking world is to suppress or ignore negative or undesired emotions covering them over with positive thoughts and affirmations which in turn block them from opportunities.  Positive affirmations and thoughts can be very valuable and effective but on top of a live volcano of fiery emotions, have little or no effect at all.  Often negativity is labelled wrong and bad causing people to pretend they never experience it which totally confuses me because deep down we all know that we do it at times, so why pretend that it’s not real?  Sure, what you focus on determines your outcome and having a positive outlook is priceless but consider for a moment whether you want to build your foundation of life on sand or stone? Balanced thinking can be essential in the process of truly loving anyone, anything and maintaining longevity in what you create.  Too often we discount possibilities because they seem too negative and strive for purely positive life, sometimes referred to as a delusional fairytale that has you chasing your tail.  I believe you can create anything you choose in life and it is important to love all aspects then choose powerfully what is serving you and let go of what is standing in your way.  Allowing what you dream of into your life begins with letting go of the past, knowing what you want, being grateful for the full spectrum of emotions and the entire experience of fully living.

“What we repress, we express” Dr John De Martini

I believe Dr John De Martini says it well when he states that ‘What we repress, we express”.  What this refers to is that suppressing and pretending that there is no such thing as negativity can cause you to explode when the jar of emotions is so full it overflows and you can’t hide it anymore.  By trying to get away from negative thoughts and emotions it can be the very thing that causes people to ride a rollercoaster of depression and happiness or elation and deflation often labelled bipolar tendencies.  This can also cause people to create inconsistent results and a loss of faith in themselves and their ability to produce what they want.  It can cause people to spend most of their time getting back up from knock downs and falls from grace when that energy could be spent clearing the way for new possibilities.  None of us are immune to this and what I have noticed is that we often have an immense fear of facing the negative traits or darkness for varying reasons but letting go of it can be the very thing that sets us free. Releasing the past is not something that happens instantly and will always be a lifelong journey.  Just know that letting go of the past, shifting from negative repression to balanced self expression and clearing the way, although confronting can be a graceful experience.  To build a house on a rocky block of land covered in trees first requires some clearing to enable you to set solid foundations and build your dream home.  It takes time, patience, overcoming challenges and planning to see the end result but you are committed to the outcome.  Your house then requires ongoing maintenance and at times renovations but you love it regardless of its flaws.  Had you not recognised the great opportunity, made a clearing for it, accepted that it would come with positives and negatives, then built your dream on a solid foundation you may never have known what it is like to live your dream.  What does your dream life look like and what is it that you need to clear so you are able to allow it to manifest into your life?

“Rome wasn’t built in a day”

In the Teachings of Abraham Esther Hicks spoke of and demonstrated a process and simple method to help people attract new opportunities into their life.  I feel blessed to have been able to experience this in person and have the opportunity to view the world through new eyes especially after doing a lot of positive thinking seminars and striving for instant happiness and change.  In the Teachings of Abraham, Esther explained that rather than trying to make things better instantly or wanting happiness right this very minute it can be more powerful to simply reach for a better feeling place.  What I perceived this to mean is that instead of expecting to go from depression to happiness in an instant boycotting all other thoughts, feelings and emotions, to be realistic and decide to make a slight shift from depression to other emotions such as anger then maybe reaching for frustration while simultaneously acknowledging these traits.  Once you have owned frustration you are then able to shift into a state of annoyance which may have less of an emotional charge to it allowing you to comfortably and authentically begin to own more positive traits such as acceptance, contentment, gratitude, fun, peace or happiness.  Think of it like climbing a ladder.  It is impossible to get to the top without climbing up one rung at a time.  Any time you try to rush it and skip a rung or a few rungs, you lose stability and sometimes even fall back to where you started in a state of pain.  Whereas when you climb at a pace that is comfortable for you, taking one safe and steady step up at a time you reach the top with power and certainty.  Sometimes you may drop back a few rungs but since you know that it’s a gradual steady climbing process you are fine and know this is just part of life and you climb right back up again.   Eventually it feels normal being at the top of this ladder and setbacks are hardly affecting you anymore so you choose to get a bigger ladder that takes you to much greater heights.  Once again you set out on a similar journey one rung at a time, initially it is a little scary as you are experiencing things that may be unfamiliar but you take on the challenge expanding your horizons and putting yourself in a position where your view of the world has improved significantly.  You congratulate yourself for having the persistence and courage to climb such great heights.  You acknowledge yourself for confronting fear and negative thoughts, feelings and emotions along the way to be able to solidly stand tall ready for the opportunity to take on the next level in life one rung at a time.  Over time the state of depression seems like a distant memory and the solid foundation on which you stand has you know that you won’t go back but also gives you certainty that if you did, you know that you are always capable of climbing out again.

“Aim for the moon and you will at least reach the stars”

In the Art of Allowing I believe it is very important to also reach for a place that leads you to inner certainty that you are capable of creating anything you choose while knowing you are magnificent, worthy and deserving of all things that you value.  They say to aim for the moon and you will at least reach the stars.  I believe this is a great perspective to take as long as you know that it takes time, planning, commitment, action and sometimes hard work to get to the stars or even the moon.  Also it takes a solid foundation with a gradual, steady climb while overcoming challenges to be able to stay there.  Creating space and being a clearing for possibilities can be a fun and rewarding process filled with the magnificence of the ebbs and flows that are part of the beauty of life.  Let go of your attachment to your goals and give up forcing it to happen.  Replace this with certainty, faith and an inner knowing that it may take various forms and shapes before you find the one that suits you best.  Begin to embrace the entirety of the journey with a positive outlook and focus on your destination.  Open yourself up to the gifts life has to offer as the only difference between the ones who get where they want to go and the ones who don’t is the willingness to do what it takes to make it happen, clearing the way for the new and allowing in all that they know deep in their beautiful soul they are worthy of! 

Girl Talk...

Something I have noticed lately after being in this world for just over 36 years is that men and women are different.   I am a bit slow I know!!  On a physical level it is clearly very obvious but in the way we think, communicate, interpret information and act we truly are most often living in two very different worlds.   I don't speak for all men or women here and this is all a simple generalisation based on my perception of the world, studies and personal experience.  The problem I see is that as women we want a masculine, focused, strong man who protects us and provides yet we expect him to be all soft and emotional and be able to communicate his inner most deep and meaningful thoughts at the same time.  I know there are some guys out there who have mastered or are in the process of mastering the art of understanding girl talk but the point is, we often expect men to be able to understand girl talk and the language of deep and meaningful conversations at the expense of current or future possiblities. Don’t you think it is ironic how some women complain saying they want a real man but contradict themselves by saying they wish guys would be more deep and meaningful and communicate their deepest thoughts, feelings and emotions?  Then there is the thing we are all guilty of saying to a man at some point... if you care about me or love me you will change!! 

“Give up the need to be right, and give yourself the chance to be with Mr Right”

Understanding goes both ways but the only person you have control over or can change is you! By no means is there anything wrong with girl talk, but consider the impact of doing it outside of your group of girlfriends.  To men we can speak in riddles often with no point at all and wonder why we are not getting the desired response and in some cases, no response at all. We are often dazed and confused as to why guys lose interest or attraction leaving us to wonder what on earth is wrong with us?  Why isn’t he interested and he seems so distracted?  We often blame the guys thinking it is entirely their fault... it must be since the same thing keeps happening to you with men over and over again.  Surely they are all hard wired to lose interest in a woman and get distracted at that exact same moment every time.  Failed attempt after failed attempt to connect almost drives you crazy and leaves you questioning the masculine race’s ability to understand women.  Because of this you seemingly have no choice but to blame them for their obvious disconnection from their emotions right?  Or decide it clearly must be their inability to be able to handle a mature, fully self expressed woman?  Or the biggest one of all that we convince ourselves of... it means he clearly doesn’t care about me!  That’s the logical thing to think isn’t it?  Unfortunately, as difficult as this may be to admit and accept, in all this you are the common denominator and often men are simply responding to us.  I am finally realising that all this hasn't got as much to do with the guys as first thought... it’s mostly got everything to do with US! 

"The love drug always distorts perception"

For some reason when you add emotional investment, attraction and chemistry something takes over and all sense of sanity and logic is pushed aside for the crazy rollercoaster of highs and lows.  These chemical reactions in the brain most certainly can be love but the issue is that when we feel these things it can invoke fears or an addiction to the love drug.  This in turn often causes women to turn into someone they really are not.  It makes us think like a crazy woman making stories or scenarios up in our head.  We say things we wouldn't normally say, do things we wouldn't usually do and of course beat up on ourselves in a state of regret.  I don't know about you, but I have had times when I would speak before I would think then look back and wonder what on earth was I even saying?  With emotional investment it seems like there is so much at stake, your world becomes full of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and fear of rejection while all of a sudden you are reliving your past hurts and failures all over again.  And then trying to talk to him about it in a despearte attempt to make things right!!  Let’s face it, when there is no pressure to impress or nothing to lose we are able to be calm, rational and spend less time thinking, analysing and sweating over whether or not we are doing or saying the right thing.  Our expectations are far more realistic and if our expectations aren’t met we are less likely to take it personally and more likely to be ok with the fact that we are not the centre of the universe at every moment.  Emotional investment, attraction and chemistry coupled with expectation can become a brick wall between you and men ruining any chance you have at creating or sustaining genuine partnerships.  With such investment coupled with a lack of understanding and compassion for the opposite sex it can lead to explosive and disastrous situations that can be avoided.  Are you causing men to run a mile, pushing them away or giving them no choice but to retreat to the man cave in attempt to undestand why no matter what he does you just don't seem to be happy?  By no means am I an expert in this area and trust me, I have really had to learn this one the hard way, but the thing I do know is that we have to make a choice of the type of connections we want in our lives and learn to accept and work at understanding that person’s unique approach to communicating to gain rapport and forge a deep ongoing balanced loving connection. 

"Men are responding to you"

At the end of the day, although it may seem easier to blame guys for the way they respond or don’t respond to us there really is no power in that at all.  It is a fact of life that we will do and say things that are not considered perfect by a long shot and it has become evident that changing ourselves is not the answer.  Being yourself while making the effort to connect and unnderstand yourself and others is.  The reality is that we need to take responsibility for our part while realising that some guys aren't our type, some are just right and others there may be miscommunication but they are worth working at it for.  Some guys will want to work at it and some won't but know this... when you come from a place of fear you are not being authentic and guys most often will not understand you.  But when you come from a place of acceptance, understanding and forgiveness you give yourself half a chance to create or restore quality connections through balanced and powerful communication.  We have to accept that some will leave, some lie, cheat or are abusive and should be removed from your life while some simply are not interested and as difficult as that is to accept, it is a fact of life.  On the other hand there are amazing, respectful, masculine, purpose driven men out there who would move heaven and earth just for the opportunity to communicate with you for just one moment.  Or some who would make you know he isn’t going anywhere and you are safe, accepted and loved regardless of the good times, bad times and inevitable moments of miscommunication.  Why not go all the way and say you may even find that although he doesn’t understand one bit of your girl talk, he loves that you are self expressed and quirky.  Everyone has different values, needs and willingness and ability to find a balance in relating to the opposite sex.  The key is to get to know what you want and have a man in your life who accepts the differences and is willing to work at it... because you are worth it!!