Men and Sex...

Let’s face it ladies, this can be a very challenging and confusing topic for us... especially those who are single and dating.  This may not be true for everyone and by no means is this about what is right or wrong in terms of sex but in general, I feel at some point, most of us have experienced drama in some way, shape or form.  Recently I made it my mission to gain a greater understanding not so much of what men are thinking this time, but what actually occurs for us as women when broaching and dealing with the topic of sex. I researched high and low to find out why things get weird; we do and say things that are out of character and why it can be so hard to regain balance after taking things to the next level with a guy.  I think it is safe to say that in general, men and women have a different approach and way of dealing with it but the key thing that stood out to me is the biological affect sex has on women and how this then in turn can affect our psychology.  In gaining insight, I also gained a great deal of freedom and clarity around behaviours, why things were ending up the way they were and how to potentially approach things moving forward into the future.  Have you ever wondered why things often get weird or complicated after you ‘get it on’ with a guy?  Maybe you were friends and one thing led to another or you were dating and took it to the next level ending in awkwardness, tears and wondering what the heck just happened and why you went from the cool chick to someone you don’t even really know yourself?  Have you wondered what the driving force is of the overwhelming expectations you can’t help but have after connecting on an intimate level?  You can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing you are not alone and there is actually a scientific answer to what actually is occurring and there is something you can do about it.

“Love and Sex”

In this case, I haven’t spoken much about this with guys of late but one thing I have noticed is that guys will often be able to have sex, just get on with things and not worry too much about consequences and I am sure they wonder what the heck happened to the cool chick he met once the line is crossed.  To him, it may be no big deal, a logical step to take since there is attraction and we all have needs but to us women, it’s time we got real with the fact that not always but most often, we are unable to have sex without becoming attached in some way shape for form.  This is definitely a combination of your thoughts, feelings, emotions and past experiences but it is also affected by hormones called oxytocins which are feel good hormones, produced in women as a result of sex and particularly orgasm that causes dopamine and serotonin to be released.  These are all things that are essential to day to day life and feeling good but are addictive and often behind fantasies, delusions and an inability to connect with reality.  The thing about women is that once these hormones are released there is often a rush of emotion, heightened sensitivity and the natural subconscious reaction (regardless if you want children or not) to cling to that man as the genetic makeup of women and ultimate purpose of sex is to pro-create therefore, even if using contraception the woman can cling to the person potentially fertilising her follicles.  It is an inbuilt biological pattern deeply ingrained in women that stems back to the dawn of man and woman.  Thus leading women to feel attached to a man for approximately 2 – 3 weeks until the oxytocins wear off or until she knows she isn’t pregnant.  Often women mistake this overwhelming emotion, attachment and intense feelings with love.  By all means it may be a combination of love and nature at play but the moral of the story is that there is a likely chance that taking things to the next level with a guy not always but most often can cause this attachment.  This doesn’t by any means insinuate that you shouldn’t do it or you can’t have a situation that you want with a guy whether it be a one night stand, friends with benefits, taking a relationship to the next level or in a committed relationship. What I am saying is that be aware that it is possible you will become attached for a few weeks at least.  It is my hope that this gives you knowledge and empowerment to be able to better deal with your reaction, choose a man who can handle it, know you are only human and that it will wear off.  But remember that the attachment starts all over again the moment you have sex again.  So get to know what your hormonal instinctive reaction is and what love is for you so you can be more discerning and in charge of your emotions and behaviours.  The connection to love and sex for women can be very strong and we all know that the cool chick is always ok with things until things don’t go to plan and those oxytocins combined with past hurt and pain turns things sour.  By all means, there is nothing wrong with becoming attached but the thing to consider is... are you attaching yourself to a guy who wants you to be attached to him?  Can he handle it, provide you what you need and be willing to work through the effects sex has on a woman physically and psychologically. This leads me to discussing making wise choices and communicating your needs...

“Feeling used and abused is not the man’s fault”

I think I am safe in saying that one of a woman’s greatest fears is feeling like she has been used by a man for sex thus leading to magnifying the post sex reaction and sometimes a hate and mistrust of men.  By all means, there are men out there who use women for sex and vice versa women who use men for sex and have mastered the art of managing the emotions associated with it or have sex and run to avoid the drama.  However, when being cared about and loved is a vital aspect of intimacy for you, yet you confuse just sex with romantic love you set yourself up for a lot of pain and hurt.  It can be very easy to think that by having sex with a guy, he will eventually want you and that he is or one day will be ready to commit to you.  Let’s face it, we most often live in hope that one day it will turn out to be our fairytale and regardless of what he said he wanted up front, we often think we can make him like us in the end.  Due to our natural reaction to sex, genetic makeup and hormones produced we can often confuse the simple act with commitment and a sign he might like us (which he may well do) yet are left wondering what to do when we find out that to him it is literally no big deal... it’s just sex!!  We can forget that men and women often assume the opposite sex are thinking the same, and that even a verbal agreement would be enough to prevent a post sex disaster but without both parties having some insight into what they are dealing with many great connections are ruined or lost in the process.   It may not be so much that the guy was using you for sex, more that he was unable to cope with what came after in terms of expectation, awkwardness and confusion.  The feeling of being used by a man (whether he meant to make you feel that way or not) can eat away at our self esteem, self worth and ability to feel safe with the opposite sex who at the end of the day, deep down we often crave to protect us and provide us a feeling of security.  There is no power in pointing the finger at men for unfulfilled expectations (if they outright lied then by all means deal with it however you deem necessary) but there is power in understanding yourself, what you are capable of dealing with and if you want to take things to the next level with someone, make sure you are both on the same page, he can provide what you need afterwards to ensure you feel respected and appreciated.  If you need there to be a relationship before sex, then be honest with yourself and stick with that.  If you want casual but struggle with attachment, find a man who can communicate with you in the way you need and provide what you need to ensure you don’t feel used, are reassured that you are respected.  Be clear in yourself regarding the reality of what it actually is.  If you know you are incapable of handling the chemical and psychological reaction you have, then consider what your needs really are before rushing in to a situation that you know will throw you off balance.  Protect yourself while living by your true values and what is most important to you.  Sex will not get you love in the traditional sense and every situation is an opportunity to grow and learn so there are no mistakes...

“Respect yourself”

I am going to go against the grain of a lot of opinions out there that say having sex with guys casually or outside of a relationship is a form of disrespecting yourself... Instead I say that sex or no sex means stuff all in your level of self respect.  If your values say that you must be in a relationship and you feel disrespected at times you have sex outside of a relationship then you have the power to be aware of that and ensure you live as best you can within your true values and interact with men who want the same thing. If you need marriage before sex then that is what you need and find guys who want that too.   If respecting yourself is being able to have a casual thing with a guy and be ok with that and it’s in your values to do that then by all means go for it I say but choose wisely who you get busy with!   In my mind, respecting yourself is knowing what your true values and needs are, living by that regardless of external opinion and dating rule books while understanding and being self aware of the way you react after intimacy.  Be willing to remove people from your life who don’t match the values you need to know you are respected and safe.  Say goodbye to those who are not willing to work through the natural reactions you might have or judge you for being a true woman at times, even if you are behaving like an over the top feminine crazy chick.  Know that you can do whatever you choose, be powerful in your interactions before, during and after but it may take some practice and messing things up a few times to get it right. Do not fall into the trap of being one of those women who go around pointing the finger at men and calling them users (unless you know for a fact they are) but be a woman who takes charge of her reactions and life.  Know what you are capable of handling, live and learn from the past and love and appreciate every person who has given you the gift of growth and experience to make you who you are today. 

Where there is complication there is simplicity simultaneously...