Men & Rejection...

In talking with a couple of my single girlfriends who are independent, gorgeous looking, beautiful on the inside, inspired to achieve and are self sufficient -  it became apparent to me some of these women are feeling dejected and like there is something wrong with them for being single and being dumped or rejected by guys for just being themselves.  I notice that often women, me included at times tend to make a guy not being into us or ready for a relationship mean so much about who we are, what we did or didn’t do and sometimes think we are the ones who need to change because of it.  I have come to realise that if a guy is into you he will make sure you know about it and will do something about it.  If he isn’t then his actions or non actions will speak louder than words giving you a clear indication of where he is really at.  The question is... what does a guy not being into you really mean?  Does it mean you are - Too short? Too tall? Too fat? Too skinny? Too self expressed?  You have the wrong colour hair?  You are too independent?  You are too powerful?  You said or did the wrong thing?  You aren’t pretty enough?  Then this happens - you decide that you really need to change who you are because you have a string of rejections therefore there clearly must be something wrong with you right?  STOP IT LADIES!!!! – You are perfect as you are and there are men out there who love exactly what you have to offer! 

“When you let go of what you are holding on to, you make space for what

wants to hold on to you”

If a relationship is what you truly want then let go of the ones who aren’t into you and create some space for the ones who are!  The ones you let go of may come back but by holding on to something that just isn’t there right now is delusional, draining of your energy and consumes time and space in your mind and day that you could be using to focus on what inspires you!!  So many women (I have done this too) go a little crazy thinking they can change a guy’s mind with thoughts such as “if only he could see how fabulous I am” or make excuses for him “he will come around, he’s just going through a tough time”.  This may all be completely correct and true and by all means I am not saying you shouldn’t be empathetic and supportive.  I am asking you if by clinging to hope, are you truly serving yourself?  Will this get you to where you want to be in life?  And what opportunities are you missing by feeling down and miserable over something that clearly isn’t happening right now?  I am not talking solely about relationship opportunities, I am asking you what could you be doing with yourself and your mind with the time and energy you spend fantasising and hypothesising about what is going on for him, what he might be thinking or what could have been.  I say let go of the straws you are grasping at that at the end of the day is often a desperate attempt to avoid the feelings that come with being rejected.  Things may or may not work out with this guy but clinging to hope chips away at your self esteem, dampens your sense of self worth, makes you do and say crazy things, makes you become needy, consumes time with your girlfriends cycling through drama when you could be filling that space with people, things and opportunities that are empowering and light you up!  Let go of what you are doing to youself that holds you back and surround yourself with possibilities that want you as much as you want them!

“Reality bites but delusion bites harder and for a lot longer”

As difficult as it can be when you are avoiding pain with over positive thinking, avoiding reality and crazy thoughts while clinging to a fairytale ending it is so important you get into the moment and as much as it can hurt, embrace reality and focus on what is going on NOW!! Ask yourself if dwelling on “What should have, could have, would have been” and making things mean stuff about you is really serving you.  A positive outlook and optimism will get you everywhere but disassociation from reality will bring you constant challenges over and over again until you get the point and learn the lesson that has been delivered to you on a silver platter.  You may have to grieve for the shattering of an ideal, you may feel the pain of loss and the reality that a guy simply isn’t into you now and may never be can be a massive blow to the self esteem.  Forget about the fantasy that makes you wonder whether or not the guy you may struggle to let go of will one day wake up and decide he wants to be with you.  He may or may not!  I say forget about wasting your time fantasising over the fairytale moment in your head that he will one day decide that you are ‘the one’ for him.  We cannot make someone love us back and who wants to spend their life trying to convince someone they want to be with you and love you?  If it aint there now, it may never be... let's get real.  Is it him you are wanting or the reassurance that you are lovable and for him to come back would mean you don't have to feel rejected or unlovabe anymore.? Always know you can create that freedom and those feelings on your own!!  He might just turn around and declare his commitment to you and he might not but isn't your time better spent constructively than self destructively?  Why not get on with your own life and empower yourself with the things that are meaningful to you.   Whatever the outcome, clinging to hope will not make any difference and will consume your valuable time and space that could be channelled into productivity, your inspired goals and moving forward with your life! 

“The Chaos Theory”

If you are single and finding you are constantly having drama, chaos and challenges in the relationship and dating department then I challenge you to consider whether or not a relationship TRULY is something you are deep down wanting right now.  When we fill our lives with low priorities, conformity, pretzel ourselves to fit with society’s and other people’s expectations trying to force ourselves to be someone or do something that is not high on our values or truly important to us it will attract chaos, drama and constant challenges.  However when you are doing what is high on your values and important to you things become orderly, flow and you are inspired, unattached and have an inner sense of certainty.  I spent years deluding myself that a relationship was something that was important to me and especially when I reached the upper end of my 30’s I started to freak out thinking I had missed the boat and it was all over.   I became clingy, needy, attached and made rejection mean the end of the world and that I was completely unlovable.  I honestly had to stop myself and evaluate my reactions to situations, the meaning I placed on things and with a stack of other personal grief and loss bubbling away in the background - I had to shift my focus from thinking I had a life full of loss and rejection and going down the path of 'crazy chick' toward seeing the blessings, acknowledging the pain and giving the entire situation an empowering meaning. 

"Where there is chaos, there is order"

In doing a lot of soul searching to establish my true and authentic values, it became evident that relationship wasn’t currently even on my values at all and my life was clearly displaying symptoms of a woman who was bending herself, trying to conform to society’s expectations and force a relationship to happen causing craziness, chaos and creating a string of disappointments and making the rejection and my being single mean there clearly was something wrong with me.   My life was and currently is displaying to me that being single is presently high on my values as it gives me the time, space and energy to continue to do the things that inspire me right now.  By letting go of my attachment to having a man, I experienced a sense of freedom that I can just get on with my life.  Things became more orderly and the energy I was spending on chaos, drama and attachment is now being spent on physical training, writing, creating multiple streams of income, educating myself and continuing to take action toward my mission and living my destiny.  There will be new challenges come my way as that is what life does but when we are on path, living our highest values and focused on our mission these challenges become blessings that are the fuel that feeds our desire.  They are not so consuming and rather than craziness and chaos there is order and flow.  Always remember that values shift and change over time and just because relationship isn’t high on them for me now, it could very well appear in my values at the perfect time when I am able to see how having a relationship supports my highest values. Where there is chaos there is order and everything happens for a reason.  I encourage you to find your balance, define your true values and use that awareness to establish where you are at in the relationship department. If it's not important to you, free yourself to live your true destiny and if it is important to you then I encourage you to get out there in a powerful way!!

“What is meant to be will always find it's way”

When you are living by your true values and inspired in your day to day life you are more attractive – meaning you attract the things that are truly important to you and support you in fulfilling your destiny.  Whether this is a relationship or another inspired goal, it is all perfect.  Why not be your fabulous, vivacious self while going about life in a contagious inspired way knowing that when the time is right, everything you want with focus, determination, resilience and some hard work will fall in your lap – only when you let go of attachment to the person, form it comes in and way it will occur!  Create a clearing in your life for all the things you want and the perfect people will come along for a reason, season or lifetime to challenge and support you to grow into whoever it is you are destined to be.  Rejection is real, it can be painful and can cause us to question ourselves – what a fabulous opportunity to ask yourself the right questions so you can re-align with what is important to you and go out and make that happen.  Wherever it seems someone is rejecting you, there is always someone or many people who are accepting and supporting you!  Be grateful for every experience and by loving yourself first and living your own true inspired destiny the things that once seemed painful quickly become a blessing!!  Love yourself now regardless of your situation or what has occurred while looking forward toward your dreams.  Always remember on the journey that you are divinely perfect and a magnificent woman just the way you are!!  Let go and allow what is meant to be into your life - whatever that truly is for you!!